constant reminder.

yesterday marked the anticipated end to a dreadful five weeks.  while it was dreadful due to the course load and amount of homework, it was dreadful for other reasons too.  these five weeks were difficult -- emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  it is not a secret that i have struggled at hope.  i've struggled to find my place, make quality friends, and truly thrive in this environment.  while i would never choose any differently than i did march of 2009, i do often contemplating what life could have been had i stayed home after my dad died.

there are definite perks: the social aspect of my life would have been easier.  i wouldn't have had to return to the drama that had mulled while i was gone.  i wouldn't have had to face the people i had trusted with such anger and animosity.  i wouldn't have set myself up for the disappointment that would later ensue in these five weeks.

last semester, i was so happy about the community that developed in my major.  we all appeared to get along fairly well.  we often talked about getting matching apparel and how we would all celebrate when everyone was 21.  it was such a relief that God was truly looking out for me and i had reestablished a great group of friends.  it was a semester of second chances and i was loving it.

...then i came back to school this semester and that community was...  different.  it was cliquier.  and as everyone discussed how happy and blessed they were for this community, i began to despise it.  social media only fueled my hurt, devastation, and anger.  not only were people becoming exclusive, they were posting all over the web about how much fun they were having and loved each other. the group was no longer 38 strong, it was seven strong and i was not one of the seven.

i have never, in my life, been ignored in the manner i was these last five weeks.  i often walked into class and sat by myself as others filled the tables around me.  i listened as these "friends" discussed their plans with each other for the night or weekend, never once receiving an invitation.  i'd walk with them as we switched classes, chime in on the conversation, and be blatantly ignored.  

people change, and that's fine.  but i feel as though my school breeds dishonest people.  when asked about my experience at the school, i am honest: it has been a struggle but a great learning experience i wouldn't change for the world.  when my peers were asked, their responses included: "i love it so much i couldn't function without it." "love isn't even a strong enough word." "i'd be lost without it."  that's great -- except this is what they say all. the. time. no matter the circumstances -- and i know they've had struggles too.

a few of the "seven strong" have mentioned that their semesters have been hard and therefore, they are taking time to focus on themselves.  because they have struggled, they are going to do whatever it takes to make them happy -- apparently at the expense of others.  what they don't realize is, it is okay to be open and honest about struggles.  struggles do not give us the right to become self-centered.  struggles do not make us weak -- they make us stronger as we power through and persevere.   

apparently God thinks i need the constant reminder.  struggles do not give us the right to retreat and be trampled on.  so here is my open moment of truth: these five weeks have been awful.  i have been hurt by people's words and actions.  but those words and actions are not going to damper the rest of the semester.  i'm excited for what the next eleven weeks have to offer and i'll get by without feeling hurt every other day.