:)

do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.  what we need is to love without getting tired.  love should be the simplest of gifts. It is the most powerful.  do not wait for "extraordinary" or "verbose" to love.  love, love, love.

to my mother.

mom,

what can i possibly say to the woman who gave me life, nurtured me and loved me, raised me to be the best i can be, and corrected all my mistakes?  i have been so incredibly blessed to have been provided the privilege by God to be your child.  your warmth, love and nurturing are the best medicine for tough times.  your sense of humor and contagious laugh are the brightest sunshine to my day.  and the times you yell at me?  i know it is out of love.

i hope today is the best it can possibly be.  i hope you feel surrounded by the love, laughs, and support of your family and friends.  i wish i was there to spend the day with you but i can't wait to be home for good soon!

live well, laugh often, love much.

what teachers make.

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers.
Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.
"I mean, you're a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and a*s-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why.
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a g*dd*mn difference! What about you?

 --Taylor Mali

faith.

i was in the car for six hours today.  i listened to Jesus music the entire time.  okay, not the entire time.  is it a sin to listen to a little Gaga?  the beat is so... contagious.  but for the first five and a half hours, i listened to Jesus music.  this Jesus music fest led to a lot of thinking and great conversation with my roommate.

i go to a Christian college.  i have endless opportunities to participate in church services, Bible studies, and mission work.  and, being completely honest, i haven't taken advantage of all that is offered to me.  i protested God this year.  i didn't go to church, rarely read my Bible, avoided the chaplains like the plague, and didn't  listen to any Jesus music.   why?  there are a lot of reasons.  any of them incredibly reasonable?  probably not.  there has been sense of emptiness this year, a feeling of longing for something.

when i was looking for a college to attend, i knew i wanted a Christian college.  i had this idea in my head that i would get here and everyone would be Christians, and not just Christians, but have deeply rooted relationships with Christ.  i would learn so much to strengthen my relationship with Christ by being surrounded by all of these perfect Christians.

--back to reality--

there is no such thing as a perfect Christian.  my peers are a) not all Christians and b) do not all have strong personal relationships with Christ.  i put unrealistic expectations in my head and unreasonable standards for everyone i would meet here.  these students are humans: they make mistakes and they give into the temptations of worldly things.  many students here are in the same boat i am in.

my belief in Christ, while it is a part of religion, it is faith.  i believe there is a very big difference between religion and faith.  Christianity isn't just a religion.  it should be a way of life.  it isn't a pretty little package to be opened every Sunday, but the wind in my sails to make it through every day. 

something to think about.

no more books.

okay,  so i know i said yesterday that i was going to miss this library -- and i will... but right now, i am sick of it.  literally.  i can not stop sneezing.  the dust is ridiculous.  ka-chooooooooo.

this weekend has been spent cataloging books.  three of us have spent approximately ten hours on this project and we just finished our 1,000 book.  we aren't even a fifth of the way done.

i never want to read another title, author, and isbn or library of congress catalog card number ever again.  ever.  i've listened to so many spellings of bizarre last names that my brain is turning to mush.  someone says "a" and i have to think incredibly too long about where that letter is located on the keyboard.  did she just say "a"?

wooohooo.  only 4 or 5 more weekends of work and we can cross this project off the list.  now, finding the weekends and the people to help.  like i said, i'm going to miss this but right now, i can't get out of here fast enough.

no. more. books.

i'm gonna miss this!

out of the mouths of...

...college students.

"i don't need to look you up on facebook.  i just look you up on face!"

"i was just talking to the baby like five seconds ago!"

"i haven't frosted the pineapple yet!"

"was it supposed to rain tomorrow?"

"most of mozart's reflect the idea that he wrote. it can a strange place be. my love i dog."

how to stay dry in a downpour.

the quick, easy, and risk free way to stay dry in a torrential downpour.  in just three easy steps, you can be dry, comfy, and cozy while the rain comes down around you.

1.  do not, under any circumstance, go outside.
2.  make sure all doors and windows are securely closed and locked.  for extra assurance, you may even seal these openings with tarps or something of the sort.

and last but not least...

3.  stay away from all possible leaks in the roof, puddles of water in a flooded basement, etc.

---

unfortunately, i speak these words of wisdom coming from my experience this morning.  i had to go take my exam, therefore i had to go outside.  step number one... broken.  in a rush to get there in time, i left my windows open.  when i got back after my exam, inside, in the safety of my room, i still got wet.  step number two... broken.  lastly, there is a leak in my ceiling.  nothing like changing into dry clothes only to get dripped on.  ughhhh.  step number three... broken.

please, take my advice.  you'd save yourself the aggravation.  just sayin'.

one more day.

one more day...

of official summer school.
waking up at 6:30 am.
7:00 am lectures.
the need for 3 hour naps.
of early bed times.

...until SUMMER!

an overdue letter.

father's day.

father's day.

it's bittersweet.  not the first alone, but then again, it doesn't change the way i feel.  it's not that coping with the day gets easier, i've just changed my form of attack.  last year i was home with mom.  this year, i spent it with my uncle and visited my grandpa.

significant-male-role-model-in-your-life day.

i was listening to the radio on friday and the deejay was so jovial while talking about not having his father around to celebrate.  i know it is part of the persona he has to keep for his line of work, but i wonder if there really is hidden emotion, sadness, etc.  does it get easier?

they keep saying so.  i'm waiting.

i did exactly what my father would have loved to do father's day weekend though.  i visited gardens, nurseries, tested my plant knowledge, ate a rueben, etc.  spending it with my uncle definitely kept the spirit of my dad alive.  his mannerisms, his passions, everything.  so many times i found myself saying, "oh my god.  he and dad are so alike!"

anything to hold on to, i suppose...

confused.

the moon is pulling at me,
the moon is pulling at you
you swear to me it's the sun
that's shining through
it's hard to push for the truth
when lies are easy to find
i'm left with, i'm left with
this trouble in mind.

--Bree Sharp

brighter life.

it was the third day of third grade.  i remember it being hotter than hades outside and i just wanted to go to the pool.  in the neighborhood i grew up in, there was a pool for the community right up the street.  my mom wasn't home but i knew she wouldn't mind if i went to the pool anyways -- i had lived there all summer.  i called my best friend to see if she wanted to ride bikes.  of course she said yes, but only if the new girl could come. 

great, i thought!  a new friend.  i was young and naive.  i didn't realize people had the power to truly hurt someone.  instead, i was so excited to have a new playmate in the 'hood (is it okay if i call it that?).  someone to call to hang out and enjoy my time with. 

unfortunately, my dreams for the afternoon were shattered.  i got to my best friend's house (a five mintue ride), when my mother called.  my grandma died.  this was to be expected and if i were older, i suppose i would have seen it coming.  not only did she have paranoid schitzophrenia, she was dying of terminal cancer (which i later came to find out took the lives of a few of her siblings as well).  thankfully, i was blissfully unaware of her ailments and i loved her with the unconditional love of a child. 

a few days passed and i retreated.  i see this behavior in me today, still.  if there is something unpleasant, i'd prefer to hide from all my troubles.  i didn't want to hang out with friends.  i didn't socialize on the playground at school.  i sat in the front of the bus with all the other dorky kids that never said anything.  i wanted to run away.  at the same time, i thought that my friends would always be there for me.  my mom was.  i yelled at her all the time but she never left me.  my dad was always there too.  no matter what i said to make him angry, he never abandoned me.

so when halloween came, i was devastated to learn that i didn't have anyone to go trick-or-treating with.  i didn't have a friend to be twins with or thing 1 and thing 2 or tigger and pooh.  no.  i learned that my best friend no longer liked me.  not only did she not like me anymore, she had a new best friend that told her not to like me.  and she listened.  i remember hopping in the car after school that day (we had half days for halloween parades the friday of halloween every year and it was tradition for my mom to pick me up -- a special treat!) and sobbing to my mom.  "nobody likes me.  everybody hates me.  guess i'll go eat worms."  verbatim.  that's what i said.

now, i know that that was irrational.  i have friends.  i had friends besides my neighborhood best friend.  but i was absolutely devastated.  and that feeling of loss and devestation clings with me today.  i am constantly worried about offending those i call friends, upsetting them.  i'm scared of getting in huge fights and losing them.  this shocks many, i know.  i'm good at playing the tough girl act that's not afraid to stand up to people but truth is: i'm a pansy.  after every argument i may have with a friend i start to let my mind wander to that dark place -- will they leave me?

a few months ago, i was sitting around and talking with my best friend from back in those days.  once middle school passed we were able to rekindle our friendship.  she no longer talks to the "new girl."  the "new girl" hurt her pretty badly.  while this doesn't surprise me, i think there is an important lesson for everyone to learn -- the newest things/people/trends are not always the best.  i think it is easy to get ourselves caught in any of the roles mentioned above, the loved one, the new one, and the lost one, but it is important to remember that all humans have feelings.  we all have thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and emotions.  what you see on the outside is not everything happening on the inside. 

it's a rough lesson to learn, to grasp, and to process.  i work on it everyday and yet i still catch myself playing the role of all of these characters.  it's always a sticky situation.  therefore, as awful as it sounds i have learned to watch out for myself.  i have to do what keeps me happy and content with myself.  i only have one Person to answer to and it is no one that is walking this earth with me right now.  there will be judgements, falling outs, etc., but there are brighter things that lay ahead.   

:)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talent, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. ...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."