does the exact time matter?

Last night, when I fell asleep I kept debating whether or not I wanted to be awake for the exact time he passed away or if I'd feel better if I just slept through it. Should I set my alarm?

I decided against setting an alarm. Instead, I prayed to God to make it clear which would be better for me. It sounds flaky, but I did. It was the only thing that made sense to do.

I woke up a few minutes before.

It was interesting, to say the least. I was pretty surprised given a) how late I went to bed last night and b) how sick I am. But, I was awake and aware of everything going on.

I remember asking my mom if he had passed yet. Everyone in the family was surrounding my dad's bed and the nurse had the screen tilted so we couldn't see it. My uncle was sharing his favorite memories from their childhood and it was instantly obvious.

My mom hadn't noticed, but to me it was clear as day. He was gone. That was not my dad in the bed. Somehow, that made it easier to let go. He looked drastically different.

It's interesting how those memories are some that I'd like to fade (for the most part) and yet they are still so incredibly vivid. Oh what the mind will do...

one year.

In some ways, it's hard to believe it's been a year. There are so many memories that seem like just yesterday. I can relive this day last year over and over in my head with very few blurry moments. There were so many ugly things about the day, besides the obvious. The weather was atrocious, the nurse should have been let go, the chaplain deserved a stern talking to, etc. When it rains, it pours... right? Or should I say: when it snows, it blizzards.

This past year has taught me a lot about grieving. Maybe this sounds morbid, but growing up I used to always picture what it would be like to lose a sibling or parent. I suppose it's because my uncle passed away very young and his kids never really knew him. I always pictured crying every time I thought of them. When my mom talked about her mom (who has been dead for over 30 years), I always wondered why she didn't cry. Since my dad has died though, I could count the number of times I've cried about it on one hand.

I have been affected in so many other ways. I feel the sadness and loss without outwardly expressing it. I have days where I can't get out of bed, I just lay and think of Dad. I wonder what it would have been like for him to walk me down the aisle, have grandkids, etc. Sometimes I think of all the things I could say to certain staff members at the hospital, plan out these evil letters I'd write, etc. My memory is gone. I don't retain any information. I have to work a lot harder in class to concentrate, remember material, etc.

Many times, I've found my friends getting frustrated with me. They think I'm using it as an excuse. They think they know where I'm coming from and don't see why I'm not over it yet. I don't think it's ever something you get over though. It's not a matter of getting over it, but moving through it. I'm working on it. I'm trying. I have started to work a lot on myself, who I'm becoming, who I associate myself with, how I look at situations, how I react to stressers. I still have a lot of work to do. I know this. I'm trying.

Today is going to be a long day...

the rough terrain.

Grief is a funky terrain to navigate. It's constantly changing, never the same, foggy in places, and clear as day in others. Sometimes it's a walk through the park while other times it is an uphill climb forever and ever and ever. Occasionally, you may come to a stream -- feel refreshed, rejuvinated, replenished with enough energy to make it but sometimes the creeks run dry.

Tricky, huh? If you were even able to follow the analogy...

But seriously, I'm laying here in bed with so many thoughts going through my head. I have so many different emotions coursing through my veins and yet, I can't seem to use my words. It's funny though, because all this week -- my friend and I have been forcing each other to use our words. Hmph. I fail, Katherine.

Right now? I'm a combination of... frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, relieved, annoyed, disappointed, anxious, confused, jealous, optimistic, regretful, neglected, and happy. All that right there leads me to being tired, exhausted, and sick.

Therefore, I'll go into more detail tomorrow. G'night.

chicago!

decisions, decisions, decisions.

So, remember in the last post how I spoke about decisions? And staying up until 6:30? I'm gonna tell you something -- it was a very, very bad idea.

The time stamp on this post is wrong. Since it's the middle of the night, my mind still considers it the day before. It is 2:39 (at this exact moment) in the MORNING. Should I be awake? No. I didn't nap. I woke up before noon. I did things to get me back on schedule but apparently God doesn't care about my schedule.

I have a fever, the chills, a wicked unproductive cough, a headache, ringing in my ears, swollen tonsils, a sore throat, and the inability to sleep. I did sleep, though. I went to bed at 9:00 -- early, part of my plan to get back on track. I figured I'd sleep through the night. Wrong. It doesn't help that I am so incredibly sore from falling off a chair. Funny story, wicked consequences. My left arm hurts to move and my right elbow is jacked up. I don't know how I fell or how I landed but the after affects have not been entertaining today (they were incredibly funny last night. who falls off a chair?).

I woke up with horrid chills and having the most bizarre dream that I'm kinda too spooked to close my eyes again. I watched a movie in bed hoping I'd fall back asleep but it actually kept my attention. Then it struck me: I should blog and complain.

I'm good at that... but I'm working on it. Ughhh...

my quilt of life.

I love my friends. Each and every one of them. Every single one of them with every single flaw. Because, here is the thing, I'm flawed too. I understand bad days, poor decisions, and overreactions. I've been there. Maybe not with the same circumstances or the same bad choices, but I've been in the boat... and it's hard to not get seasick. It's difficult to remain calm, open your eyes, and see where the others are coming from.

Over the past couple weeks, I have been put in a couple very awkward situations. Ones where I have consciously chosen to not take sides, and yet I'm still be portrayed as a "side-taker." I've turned to select few that I chose to confide in and instead of just listening, I've been flat out (in a round about way) told that I was taking the wrong side and belittled for it. Yet, I know, inside my mind, heart, and soul, that I have taken no sides.

The issue of "sides" is something I think about often. After the trials I've been through with friends over the last year, I know I have had the desire for friends to take "sides." Who doesn't desire to be wanted? But, I also know that life is so much better just moving on and letting it go (being completely honest, I'm still working on it). Life isn't about sides. There isn't one team that wins or one team that loses, we just all finish at our own pace on our own paths. It's an infinite tie in the journey of life.

Last night, I was scoring the internet for something to encourage me. I came across a Bible verse that really stuck out:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." -- Romans 8:28-29

Take from it what you will, but to me it meant this:

There are trials in our lives. There are times when we will be down in the dumps and having the worst times ever. Some may argue that this month is it to them, and I'll get to that in another post, but -- there are also so many joys in this world. There are so many great things that happen all the time and sometimes we fail to notice them because we are too narrowly focused. And all these things are strategically intertwined by Someone that knows much more than I ever will. Every single event in our lives is woven together in the quilt of life. Every single one is different and yet in some way they're all the same. Right? They're all quilts.

It is in these moments of realization that we must make the conscious effort to embrace the uniqueness that strikes in life. Even if you and I experience the same situation, we may take from it two very different things -- neither one more right than the other, just different. Therefore, no matter what people try to tell me, I will stand on what I believe, knowing that I have made the decisions that are best for me whether others like them or not.

And that decision last night was to not sleep until 6:30am. I'm awesome.

luck?

I had a meeting with a professor today. I fairly important meeting. I had to figure out what I was doing on several assignments in order to complete them, do them properly, and get good grades. In my book, that equals important. So I signed up for a meeting with her on her door. The only available time that worked for me was 11:00 -- no. big. deal.

Well, I ran into her in the hallway before classes and she had a commitment that ended right at 11 and she didn't know if she'd be able to get back in time so she was wondering if I would be willing to meet at 3:00 with her. It definitely wasn't my preference, but not a problem -- I could make it work.

Luckily, at 2:45, I checked my e-mail only to discover that she needed to postpone my meeting yet again. Only a half an hour, but still an inconvenience. At this point, I could have been home, showered, eaten food, etc. But no, I was stuck in the building another 30 minutes. Oh well.

So I waited. And I waited. Oh, and I waited some more!

Finally, at 4:15, she came strolling through the door. See this face? This is my angry face?  >:-|  Grrrr...

haircut!

I got my hair cut today.

It was fairly spurr of the moment. It took me about 8 minutes to pick out a style off the internet, 12 minutes to talk myself into it, and 20 minutes to get it done.

I like it. It's short. But I like it. I've never had a "style" before but it looks good and I think it fits me. I'm used to "haircuts" where I ask that they make it easy to keep up and look cute. Those instructions have served me well.

But this cut works GREAT for me. I already showered and tried to restyle it myself and it is so easy and looks so much cuter than my previous haircut. I love it. Love it, love it, love it!

That is all.

:)

Wouldn't life be perfect if...

sweatpants were sexy, Monday mornings were fun, junk food didn't make you fat, friends didn't cause drama, men weren't confusing, nothing was regrettable, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

I think so.

groundhog day.