to the haters:

when did it become so hard to carry on a friendship due to your own opinion of a person and not what everyone else thinks?  when did it become acceptable to glare at people just because you feel like it?  why is it okay to go around spewing negativity about people that have never done anything to you?

some days i just want to scream.  i want my old life.  i want my old friends.  i want the naivete and ignorance.  i want the happy go lucky, everybody likes me, the world is full of laughs and fun and falling leaves and overall happiness.  sometimes i want that, and then i remember...

i don't like fake people.  i don't desire to be fake.  i don't like two-faced people and people that stab me in the back.  i don't want fake happiness and false positivity.  i don't want naivete and ignorance.  i want to be present in every moment, treasure it while it lasts, and store it away in the whole scheme of who i am.

to dwell and desire the past is truly just silly.  live and learn.  every situation that has happened in life has made me into who i am today.  i am unable to please everyone.  i am unable to make everyone happy while still looking out for myself.

there are some people that will never be truly happy.  they will use, abuse, get "hurt", and move on.  it's a cycle.  and i don't desire those people in my life.  i have good friends.  i have friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin.  i don't need the others.

so to the others, see you later -- sayonara.  life goes on without your self-centered, pessimistic attitude and i will enjoy it without you.

being a teacher.

my hometown is voting on a school levy this week.  if it does not pass we will lose: 42 teachers, all high school bussing, our athletic director, the school social worker, the band and all sports will be pay to play, etc.  this levy needs to pass for the sake of our school and the education of our future. 

there is a facebook group to remind people to vote so i joined and took a look at what people had to say.  i am shocked at how many uneducated people there are out there.  they graduated with me.  we got a very similar education.  and yet they don't see the importance of a school levy.  they refuse to vote for it because they don't want the teachers to make more.  the average teacher makes $33,671.  but that's not even the point.  the money from the levy is not for the teachers to take more.  the teachers already signed a contract agreeing to no pay raise.

if this levy does not pass, the reputation of my high school is loss.  the name on my diploma/resume will have little to no meaning anymore.  we can kiss the top 3% of the nation title away. yet one student goes as far to claim the levy is blackmail.  that if the levy isn't passed, the teachers will probably stop teaching.  fortunately for her, she already graduated AND most teachers don't go into the profession hoping to make boatloads of money.  unfortunately, a school that is known for it's great education will no longer have the opportunity to make it better.  and if there is no chance for the education to improve, we will soon be passed in rankings.  there are so many cutting edge technologies available for classrooms that our school will never have.  life is going to pass my alma mater.

this levy depresses me.  greatly depresses me.  at this point, i think i will return to studying to be a teacher and forget about this horrible levy until tuesday night when it truly becomes upsetting.  humph.

vacation.

i took a vacation from blogging.  but i'm baaaaaaack!

so much has happened in the last several weeks.  a lot of classes, homework, field placements and office hours.  three trips to the hospital for two different friends, including brain surgery for one.  two weekend trips to different states.  a lot of classes, homework, field placements and office hours -- oh wait, i already said that.

anyways, i'm determined to make time for myself and start blogging regularly again.  i look forward to it!

where is the love?

n
whatever happened to the values of humanity?
whatever happened to the fairness in equality?
instead of spreading love, we're spreading animosity
lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity.
that's the reason why sometimes i'm feelin' under.
that's the reason why sometimes i'm feelin' down.
there's no wonder why sometimes i'm feelin' under.
gotta keep my faith alive till love is found.

now as yourself...

where is the love?

:)

"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest!"

what is friendship?

what is your definition of friend?  what is your definition of friendship?  please discuss amongst yourselves and i'll be back eventually with my conclusion.

today has me extremely perplexed.

---

friendship is...

love.  support.  understanding.  trust.  laughter.  confidant.  selflessness.  thoughtfulness.  generosity.  respect.  faith.  honesty.  inspiring.  beautiful.  personal.  reassuring.  reliable.  promises.  loyalty.  perseverance.  wise.

friendship is not...

betrayal.  hate.  arguments.  anger.  hostility.

---

just my observations and opinions.

homework.

just thought i'd take a minute to blog before i start homework.

i like school.
i like school.
i like school.

i do, don't i?

growing.

interesting way to kick off my new outlook on life.  yesterday was filled with interesting experiences.  i was placed in situations i wasn't expecting and survived all of them, even if by the skin of my teeth.  what i've discovered?  i'll survive.  it's alright, i'm okay, it ain't nothin' but another day.  and as i told one of my friends, it was a refreshing experience.  it was something that needed to happen and it was good for the soul even if some things haven't changed.

i'm glad that these situations happened.  i was able to discover my ability to handle them well.  at least i think i did.  i hope i did.  i hope that other people got peace of mind from the entire experience.  hopefully these things mean that the year is off to a great start.  this year definitely has potential.  there is more growing to do and i'm excited to see where i am 8 months from now. 

yay for learning experiences.  hello education major.

passive aggressive.

i've learned over the years that i'm a lot of bark and no bite.  i can only recall one occasion where i just ripped into someone.  it wasn't relieving or refreshing.  in fact, i recall the experience being down right miserable.  even when i bark, i am unable to bark at the person i want to hear it.

when there is conflict, i prefer to avoid it.  i want to keep the peace and  make sure everyone is happy.  i don't let people walk all over me but i try very hard to correct with kindness.  where has this gotten me though?  what has being passive aggressive done to help me grow? nothing.

this year is about me.  personal growth.  who am i?  what am i called to do with my life?  what keeps me happy and healthy?  who loves me, supports me, and cares about me through thick and thin?

this is not a passive aggressive year.

ephesians 4.

okay, i lied.  i was going to wait until the new blog design was done before i came back and started blogging but i just can't do that.  in which case, i should probably spend this post going into detail about why i disappeared, the weird illness that took over my life for the last month, etc.  but i have something on my mind.  and so we're going to skip all the pleasantries (at least for right now) and jump right in.

i find that i have a hard time relating to people recently.  not because i don't want to relate to them.  but i can't help but find some of the trivial babbling to be excruciatingly boring.  if you're reading this, i'm most likely not talking about you so don't get all self-conscious.  it's just that i've been through some things in life that others my age haven't.  and not saying my experiences outweigh others' but sometimes i feel that the gift of life is lost on people because they are so caught up in "he said, she said."

what is life about?

i have a friend who loves to dwell on my insecurities.  they love to joke about it constantly.  in fact, recently, every time i talk to them, that's the only thing we seem to talk about.  there is so much more to life than those though.  there is so much more to me than that.  if we confine ourselves to one aspect or two, we are missing the big picture.  when we get hung up on one event, we fail to see all the events of our lives.  yes, this person was mean to me or that event didn't go as planned, but in the whole scheme of life -- does it matter?  we're pretty lucky that these small things are the worst things in our lives.

yesterday, i ran into a friend on campus.  he is always a nice kid, bubbly and outgoing but super applied in his work.  something seemed off and when i asked, i was surprised to learn that he may be in need of a liver transplant.  yeah... that sore throat i had for three weeks this summer?  who cares.  my frustration with that one situation?  so what... my life is golden.  i'm alive.  i'm healthy.  i have a loving family and some great friends.  he used to be a runner and can now barely walk 100 yards without being out of breath and ready for a nap.  he's taking 12 credits and has to nap in between classes just to make it through the day.  i'm peachy.

what is life about?

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:2-3, 29-32

patience.

i disappeared.

i know.

BUT...

i'll be back.

and this blog will be a better place.

i promise.

patience.

patience is a virtue.

kitchen knobs, chicken kabobs.

so when the realtor called last night to let us know they wanted a second showing, we asked if there was anything she felt we could do to improve the house to their liking.  (read: hello -- ready to sell this house).  of course, her only suggestion was to change all the kitchen knobs.

kitchen knobs, chicken kabobs.

we knew that no one like our kitchen knobs and we had already ordered new ones.  but they hadn't arrived and God only knows how long it will take for them to get here.  so we continued on our cleaning way, hoping for the best, and happy with whatever happened -- at least we got a second showing.

when i woke up this morning, i was ready to go.  i'd barely slept at all the night before and i was ready to get this show on the road.  let's go, let's go, let's go!  i walked out the bedroom door, took a left towards the kitchen, and as i walked past the front door, there was a package on the doorstep.

kitchen knobs, chicken kabobs!

they were here!  the kitchen knobs made it on time!  they were here! they were here!  they were here!  so we spent this morning changing all the kitchen knobs before taking on last wlak through of the house and moving things around to stage a little differently.  after a little while, we were done.  we actually walked out of the house fifteen minutes before we had to.  now that is skill.

when we got home, we discovered it was well worth it.  as the family was leaving our house, the wife leaned into our realtor and said, "i want this house.  now i just have to go home and beg!"

so much for yesterday's disappointment!  i'm so excited for the potential this situation has!  wooot wooot woot!  let's sell this sucka.

more, please.

they want a second showing!!!

(now back to your scheduled programing and my excessive cleaning regiment.  see you on the other side.)

disappointment at it's finest.

yesterday was the typical summer day around here.  i worked for a little bit but besides that we busied ourselves with very important things like finding a new light fixture for the kitchen.  we got home, feeling accomplished, and decided to spend the rest of the evening just lounging around.  hey, it's summer.  we have to enjoy it while it lasts.

...and then the phone rings.  at 9:45pm.  the realtor wanted to show our house the following morning. 

no big deal, right?  hahahaha.  even though we only "live" in two rooms of the house, we were up until well past midnight cleaning carpets, scrubbing baseboards, doing laundry, lugging crap out to the cars so we just didn't have to figure out what it was till a later day.  then, we were up at 7:00am this morning to start at the cleaning again.

i dropped the girl off at camp, headed to the store, bought fresh fruit and bunches of fresh flowers.  not to eat and enjoy but to make a pretty display in the kitchen.  but the kitchen?  it's under construction, so not only were we trying to spruce it up, were were attempting to keep the dust under control.  note to everyone who may encounter this in the future: there is no way to stay ahead on the dust when construction workers are sawing into drywall, etc.

we baked cookies, turned lights on, lit candles, put the cushions out on the lawn furniture, wiped down every surface possible with soapy water, windex, or polish depending what it was.  we were going nutsy coo coo over here trying to get the house ready.

the people walked through today.  they don't like our kitchen.  they don't like our master closet.

what a bummer ending to a busy day trying to get it ready for them to fall in love with.  disappointment at it's finest.

:)

prayer is not an old woman's idle amusement.  properly understood and applied, it is the most potent instrument of action.  --Ghandi

i'm old.

i think i am officially old.  i have found a new love in life... books on tape cd (wrong era).  i listen to it in the car, on the computer, while i'm making dinner, during conference calls.  seriously, the other day i had to be on a conference call and i had a book on tape in my earbud.  not going to lie.  a) the call was pointless (for me) and b) the book was so much more entertaining.

as if having bifocals didn't make me old enough....

but it is so nice to be able to lay in bed with my eyes closed and hear a story being read to me.  it takes me back to my childhood when my parents would read to me or my babysitting days when i'd read to the kids.  there is something so relaxing about hearing a story read aloud and letting your imagination go wild.  i love reading, i love watching movies, but i think books on tape cd are the best of both worlds (once you get past the reader's voice...).

...and you know you're an ed major when you almost turn this post into a lecture about improving literacy in young adults.  i think it's best that i end this post...

...now.

candle light.

i hate light fixtures.  a lot.  i am done looking at them.  i don't care how many light bulbs there are, how many watts it handles, what finish it is.  i don't care that it's supposed to hang over a dining room table or a pool table.  i could care less if it's a chandelier or pendant.

i think we should take a trip back in time and function by candle light.  who doesn't love candle light?  it's dim, romantic.  there are all different scents and colors that are readily available.  you can find them cheap.  cheap, cheap, cheap.

i vote for candle light.

perks and downfalls.

there are so many perks to the summer.  i love the fact that, for the most part, there is no class, less responsibilities, and more time to just relax.  and at the same time, there are so many downfalls to summer.  for the most part, there is no class, no responsibilites, and more time to just relax.  and this has gotten me to my point today.  i was so bored i cried.  no joke.

my job has been cut back to practically nothing.  my summer class got canceled.  i've read a couple books but i've kind of outlived that joy.  i mean, i like to read, but i can only read so many books back to back until i crave another form of entertainment.

so imagine my excitement today when my mom and i made plans to go get a few things for the house.  that's right, i actually got extremely excited to go look at kitchen knobs and light fixtures with my mom.  we woke up early, hung around for a little bit, and then we were supposed to get on the road.  but, oh no, other things arose.  and what have i done today?  nothing.

it's okay though.  we had dinner plans.  surely those would work out.  nope.  not those either.

summer has it perks, but it has it's downfalls too.  i'm ready to head back to school...

:)

"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness." - Mother Teresa

fridge!

WE GOT A NEW FRIDGE TODAY!

now, i understand that this might not excite all of you, but it should.  today is the first day in over 16 years, that we have had a fridge/freezer that made ice cubes. 

you know life must be really boring when a new fridge excites you.  i need friends.

new apartment.

so today, i got the afternoon off.  have i mentioned here before that my hours got cut in more than half?  oh yeah, it's pretty... not awesome.  but the free time can be enjoyable sometimes.

today, mom and i spent the day helping a family friend find accessories to outfit her new apartment.  it was so much fun to return things, find new things, decide what scheme to go with -- a color or a theme?  it was great.

there is nothing like spending fun times with fun friends. 

so we decided to top the night with dinner.  all day it had been gorgeous.  a little too hot for my comfort level but it was sunny and therefore, i couldn't complain.  then, all of the sudden, this dark cloud of gloom appeared.  and just as we pulled into the parking lot, this dark cloud of gloom opened up and it rained cats and dogs.

it is still raining, but now i'm really not complaining.  i love thunderstorms! 

hi ho! hi ho!

...it's off to camp we go!

so, starting today, i begin the trek into the big city twice a day to take the girl to camp and pick her up for the next two weeks.  she started art camp yesterday and seems to really enjoy it.  she's taking a paint class and a claymation class.

too bad she doesn't remember gumby.  who doesn't remember gumby, seriously?  but she is really excited for it and i'm excited to see her excited.  therefore, i will change my attitude and love driving into the big city, wrestling the traffic, and filling my gas tank.

hi ho! hi ho! it's off to camp we go!

relaxation.

i don't have to work today!  i don't have to work today!  i don't have to work today!

those are some of the best days.  not that i don't like working -- most the time it's pretty great.  but i can't complain when sometimes the boss calls and tells me to take the day off.  and who am i to not follow orders?  so i did just that: took the day off.

the only reason i got dressed?  to go get the mail from the end of the driver and not embarrass myself in front of the neighbors while doing so.  not even kidding.

tomorrow -- it's back to work.  back to cleaning.  back to organizing.

i was going to say back to unpacking, but i haven't started and i don't know that i will get around to that. 

in the meantime, it's back to the last few hours of relaxation. :)

morals.

i feel as though our society is losing their morals.  i'm all up for a good time.  i listen to lady gaga.  and i think that that is okay.  if you have different beliefs that i do, i'm okay with that too. you don't think we're losing our morals?  fine by me.  i'm up for educated discussions, difference of opinions, etc.

but i take real issue when people try to put me down and attempt to make me feel lower than they are.  i have morals.  i have beliefs.  and i stick to them.  that is my choice and i'm proud of it.  i'm not perfect, i don't claim to be, and i don't judge you for our differences.  therefore, i was extremely caught off guard last night when in a drunken stupor, i was "called out" and my "true colors" were exposed.

go on with your life.  live it the way you want.  bask in the success and mourn in your failures.  enjoy yourself.  hate yourself.  do what you do.  but, please, don't bring me down with you.  and, after you attempt and fail, don't pretend like it never happened and then try to be besties with me.

---

whew.  now that i got that off my chest...

i'm home from the bachelorette party.  i had a blast (minus one small incident)!  how was everyone's weekend!? :)

bachelorette party.

i am up entirely too early.  forgive me if this post makes absolutely no sense.  it is 4...something in the morning and i didn't go to bed until... 1:30.  i'm smart.  i know.  don't everybody tell me at once.

mom and i are off to a bachelorette party.  we're tagging along with some great family friends.  it should be an interesting adventure.  never met the bride.  but we have to leave super early because we have quite the road trip in front of us.

we're headed off to a nice house in the middle of nowhere for some old fashioned fun, laughter and great times.  and when we finally make it there, it will be well worth it -- i'm sure!

BE BACK TOMORROW.

cousinly love!

my mom and i drove down south yesterday.  two of my cousins had flown out from the opposite side of the united states to visit their sister.  she and her husband live four (and a half) miles hours south of us.  so we met halfway.  it was thrown together last minute.

we were originally going to meet up at this chinese restaurant.  we got off the highway, made a few turns, and founds ourselves in an eerie little neighborhood.  it was probably the place to be... fifty years ago, but no one was around.  there was one car in the parking lot besides us and we didn't see another one coming from either direction.  so we changed locations and settled for greek -- which wasn't settling.  it was delicious. 

it was so great to see my cousins.  i hadn't seen the guys since their sister got married over a year ago.  there is something about family that is irreplaceable.  growing up, we never saw each other that often but there is a bond that is so great -- a sense of understanding with no explanations.

who knows the next time i'll see them... until then, don't be strangers!

you're gonna miss this.

you're gonna miss this.

you're gonna want this back.

you're gonna wish these days,

hadn't gone by so fast.

these are some good times,

so take a good look around.

you may not know it now,

but you're gonna miss this.

:)

it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are.  and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be.  the person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work, faith, and belief... and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has.

how the times change.

i hung out with a friend from high school tonight.  we don't go to the same college and are rarely in the same state, so it was a welcomed visit.  it seems like it's been forever.  some things haven't changed and in many ways, the changes and differences seem huge.  did i enjoy the company?  absolutely.  but talking about different situations, it's interesting to hear her views of the matter.

i grew up with the same group of  kids.  over one hundred (a quarter of my graduating class) kids from my town did all thirteen years together.  everyone knew everything about each other because that's all we'd been surrounded by.  and there was this idea that this would stay the same.  but tonight, we were reminiscing on the people we were friends with in middle school and even in high school and we don't talk to the majority of them.  not only that, our outlook on life and morals are so completely different.

times change.

and unfortunately, that leads me to college.  another small school where it seems that everyone knows everything about each other.  but let's face it, after next year or the following, i'm not going to talk to the majority of them.  i'm not going to stay in touch with them.

life is always changing.  many friendships come and go.  i had a hard time with this at first.  a really hard time.  i love my friends and i hate to watch friendships dissolve without a fight.  i try my hardest.  but my chaplain made a good point... God puts people into your life for the proper season.  You live, you learn, you grow, you change, and sometimes people aren't meant to be in your life forever.

i love keeping in touch with a few of my high school classmates.  it is fun to reminisce and i look forward to those days with my college friends.  wherever God takes me, i have the memories of great moments with great friends, even if we've gone our separate ways now.

we are pretty fun!

today consisted of a whole lot of nothing.  got up, showered, made the bed, drove em around as instructed, and caught up on lounging, reading, and watching tv.  dinner was a compilation of leftovers from meals over the last week.  it was fundayfriday. 

9:15 pm:  the phone rings.

Mrs. G: what are you doing?
Mom:  in our pajamas.  laying around.  the same thing we've done all day.  you?
Mrs. G:  nothing.  we're bored.

9:30 pm:  friends arrive.

and here ensues the adventures of the four amigos.  we went out for ice cream, drove through town, laughed at each other and our corny jokes, and scared a bunch of kids that were up to no good.  we felt so cool.

and this is why i love them.  their spontaneity, loyalty, love, laughter, and friendship is something i know other people will never be so blessed to experience.    and as we drove through town with the windows down, laughing at eachother, someone said, "we are pretty fun!"

i can't agree more! ;)

i want one.

the perfect wedding.

no worries.  i don't have my wedding planned.

...but, my mom and i have been watching a lot of wedding shows.  one of the shows is called platinum weddings.  these people are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their wedding.  don't get me wrong, if this is how you choose to spend your money, more power to you.  but, i sit there thinking, "i could buy myself a new car and make a down payment on a house with that kind of money!"

i wonder...

is it really necessary to spend that much money on your wedding?  are you going to remember every last detail? maybe.  but crystals in your bouquet?  gold on your wedding cake?  a personal fireworks show?  i just sit here in shock at the amounts of money people are dropping for these excessive additions to their wedding.

give me a dress, some flowers, food, and a camera.  we're good to go.

...oh, and a groom might be nice too! :)

dear friend.

dear friend,

how are you?  it has been so incredibly long since we've last spoken.  way too  long if you ask me.  these summer months bring so many memories and the fact that we're moving has made me sentimental.  things just haven't been the same since you've left and we all know the neighbors will never compare in friendliness. :)

the other day, we were driving home from the store and that kevin lyttle song came on.  not only did i laugh at the song, but that time in Captiva.  remember when we got locked out because our parents were out to eat and our brothers were playing tennis, so we had to hop the trolly by ourselves?  and we were the only ones?  and the guy was creepy?  and that song came on?

yeah...

----

i love reliving great memories and i find myself doing it more and more lately.  not only is it simply uplifting, it helps keeps the good memories of this place alive before i kiss it all goodbye.  i'm finally old enough to truly appreciate the tiny details of this place.  this building, this community, this town.  it's weird to think of leaving it.

i know some people have moved a lot in their life and maybe i'm overreacting, but i haven't gone very far from home.  i mean -- for good... we moved when i was three... but i don't remember that.  and i go to school, but i come back to this place.  just weird.  weird. weird. weird.

...and that is what is on my mind today...

goodbye vs. see you later.

i hate goodbyes.  i like to avoid them if possible.  i've been known to hide out when someone leaves so i don't have to experience that moment.  i'd prefer to think of people's departures as "see you later" moments.  i don't want to have an "end" to my time with them, i'd like it to just be a continuation of our relationship as a later date.  washing the dishes in the apartment with my roommates to moving in in the fall.  i don't want there to be the purposeful interruption of the two events.  enjoying the time together, enjoy the time apart.  don't put an emotional divide down the middle. 

does that make sense?  

anyways, i had one of those goodbye moments today.  my brother left for a month.  i know it's not that long of a time, but i wish he would have just left in the middle of the night -- and maybe left his kitten here.  the house has gone from being so full of life to so... empty without him and his cat here.  trust me: we'll be okay without him.  but we do get along incredibly well and it is awfully nice to have someone else here to deflect some of the attention i'll be getting for the next month.  hah.

in addition, my work hours have been cut in.... a lot of pieces.  shredded.  i am working less than a quarter of what i did last summer.  i'm bored out of my mind.  my summer school prof has cancelled the first three classes and i, therefore, may drop because i won't be learning much in this class and it is the basis for my next psych class.  are you doing the math?

i'm way too bored.

the best burritos ever.

my brother and i made the most delicious dinner tonight.  and it was fairly easy too.

1 routiserre chicken
2 avocados
1 small white onion, minced
4 cloves of garlic, minced
2 handfuls cilantro, chopped
1 cup cheese, shredded
ranch dressing
hot sauce
salt and pepper
tortillas

pull apart the chicken into tiny, bite sized pieces. 

with the avocados, onion, garlic, and cilantro, combine to make guacamole.

preheat a pan.  head tortilla with shredded cheese and chicken on top.  sprinkle ranch dressing and hot sauce on top to your liking.  when the cheese begins to melt, top with guacamole.  remove from heat.

wrap like a burrito. 

ENJOY. :)

they are probably the most delicious things ever.  i couldn't finish mine.  and i'm full.  but i'm looking forward to lunch tomorrow.  so good.  i think it might become one of my new regulars.  we'll see...

out of the mouths of...

...college students!

"you were born placenta first and didn't suck your blood as a child -- no wonder you turned out funny!"

"me: 1, joe: 0"

"you know why that happened?  Jesus doesn't like liars!"

"tell me about it!  glad i showered!"

friday, friday.

remember the beach babes from my last post?  my brother has been blessed to find a group of good guy friends just like them.  (minus the parties to plan parties -- guys don't plan).  they met in middle school/high school and are now scattered all over the world.  his best buddy is in town from Spain for the week though so my mother has planned a big bash for the boys and their families.  so guess what we're doing tonight?

yep, another party. gathering.  whatever you wish to call it.

unfortunately, i have been "under the weather" since the fourth.  i'm about to take a nap and hopefully when i wake up, i can join the crew.  it's always a good time when they're here. and it's been a few years since i've seen Mr. Spain. 

what's new in your life?  how are you spending your friday?

beach babes.

my mom has a group of friends.  they call themselves the "beach babes."  when they started turning 50, instead of getting all upset and fiesty about it, they chose to celebrate.

...and celebrate they do!

my brothers and i always joke that my mom has a better social life than we as college students and young 20-somethings do.  these girls have parties to plan bigger parties.  they get together and sing into wooden spoons and hairbrushes, play the plunger game, indulge in overflowing liquor, and enjoy every second of it.

tonight is a planning party.  i'm well hidden but their laughs are contagious.  i hope to have a group of girlfriends like that some day.  it's good for the soul.

gone fishin'.

i love coming home for the summer and spending time with my brother.  we don't see each other often anymore but it's always an enjoyable time when we do... for the most part. 

we've been fishing a lot.  we went on a hunt for a live bait and tackle shop.  there aren't many places around here but we found one, purchased some minnows, and have been trying our best to catch some killer fish.  hah.

 Please forgive the gross hair and the closed eye.  It was hotter than Hades and the sun was in my face.  Promise.  ;)

we've caught a few 22"-24" catfish, 16"-18" large mouth bass, and then a few "babies".  it's been fun, but most of all, it's great to spend some time with him.

:)

there are two ways to spread happiness. either be the light that shines it, or the mirror that reflects it.

happy 234th birthday, america!

does God exist?

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. They eventually touched on the subject of God.

Barber:
I don't believe that God exists.

Customer:
Why do you say that?

Barber:
Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can’t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.

-------

The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again.

Customer:
You know what? Barbers don't exist.

Barber:
How can you say that? I am here. I am a barber, and I just worked on you!

Customer:
No! Barbers don’t exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.

Barber:
Ah, but barbers DO exist! That’s what happens when people do not come to me.

Customer:
Exactly! That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist! That’s what happens when people do not go to Him and don’t look to Him for help. That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.

sister, sister.

i talked to my sister the other day.  you say, "you don't have a sister" and biologically, you'd be correct.  but... i have a sister.  and she lives in california.  way too far away from me.  and unfortunately, the physical distance has caused distance in our communication. :(  but, i talked to her the other day and it pretty much made my life.

so much to catch up on.  so much has changed.  so much is exactly. the. same.  it's crazy to see how far we've both come over the last several years.  the life we've seen.  the personal devastation.  the highs.  the lows.  the people that have come in and out of our lives.  the people, friendships, and relationships that we've cried about or laughed about.

oh, how i've missed our chats.  love ya, sista!

clean up.

clean up, clean up.

everybody do your share.

clean up, clean up.

everybody, everywhere.

it's time to move out.  i do not like moving out.  not at all.  it's a pain.  it's inconvenient.  and i just plain do. not. like. it.  after way too many hours organizing and packing and three trips to the storage unit, i still have a ton of stuff to figure out what to do with.  add it to the large pile of junk in the backseat of my car?  probably.

it's weird moving out of here.  it's my first apartment.  i've lived here almost a year.  plus all my friends will still be here.  i want to go home.  i want to work and make money.  but i wish i could take my life here at school everywhere i go.  my friends.  my freedom.  my life.

no such luck.  so instead of reminiscing...

...i'll keep packing.

:)

do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.  what we need is to love without getting tired.  love should be the simplest of gifts. It is the most powerful.  do not wait for "extraordinary" or "verbose" to love.  love, love, love.

to my mother.

mom,

what can i possibly say to the woman who gave me life, nurtured me and loved me, raised me to be the best i can be, and corrected all my mistakes?  i have been so incredibly blessed to have been provided the privilege by God to be your child.  your warmth, love and nurturing are the best medicine for tough times.  your sense of humor and contagious laugh are the brightest sunshine to my day.  and the times you yell at me?  i know it is out of love.

i hope today is the best it can possibly be.  i hope you feel surrounded by the love, laughs, and support of your family and friends.  i wish i was there to spend the day with you but i can't wait to be home for good soon!

live well, laugh often, love much.

what teachers make.

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers.
Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.
"I mean, you're a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and a*s-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why.
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a g*dd*mn difference! What about you?

 --Taylor Mali

faith.

i was in the car for six hours today.  i listened to Jesus music the entire time.  okay, not the entire time.  is it a sin to listen to a little Gaga?  the beat is so... contagious.  but for the first five and a half hours, i listened to Jesus music.  this Jesus music fest led to a lot of thinking and great conversation with my roommate.

i go to a Christian college.  i have endless opportunities to participate in church services, Bible studies, and mission work.  and, being completely honest, i haven't taken advantage of all that is offered to me.  i protested God this year.  i didn't go to church, rarely read my Bible, avoided the chaplains like the plague, and didn't  listen to any Jesus music.   why?  there are a lot of reasons.  any of them incredibly reasonable?  probably not.  there has been sense of emptiness this year, a feeling of longing for something.

when i was looking for a college to attend, i knew i wanted a Christian college.  i had this idea in my head that i would get here and everyone would be Christians, and not just Christians, but have deeply rooted relationships with Christ.  i would learn so much to strengthen my relationship with Christ by being surrounded by all of these perfect Christians.

--back to reality--

there is no such thing as a perfect Christian.  my peers are a) not all Christians and b) do not all have strong personal relationships with Christ.  i put unrealistic expectations in my head and unreasonable standards for everyone i would meet here.  these students are humans: they make mistakes and they give into the temptations of worldly things.  many students here are in the same boat i am in.

my belief in Christ, while it is a part of religion, it is faith.  i believe there is a very big difference between religion and faith.  Christianity isn't just a religion.  it should be a way of life.  it isn't a pretty little package to be opened every Sunday, but the wind in my sails to make it through every day. 

something to think about.

no more books.

okay,  so i know i said yesterday that i was going to miss this library -- and i will... but right now, i am sick of it.  literally.  i can not stop sneezing.  the dust is ridiculous.  ka-chooooooooo.

this weekend has been spent cataloging books.  three of us have spent approximately ten hours on this project and we just finished our 1,000 book.  we aren't even a fifth of the way done.

i never want to read another title, author, and isbn or library of congress catalog card number ever again.  ever.  i've listened to so many spellings of bizarre last names that my brain is turning to mush.  someone says "a" and i have to think incredibly too long about where that letter is located on the keyboard.  did she just say "a"?

wooohooo.  only 4 or 5 more weekends of work and we can cross this project off the list.  now, finding the weekends and the people to help.  like i said, i'm going to miss this but right now, i can't get out of here fast enough.

no. more. books.

i'm gonna miss this!

out of the mouths of...

...college students.

"i don't need to look you up on facebook.  i just look you up on face!"

"i was just talking to the baby like five seconds ago!"

"i haven't frosted the pineapple yet!"

"was it supposed to rain tomorrow?"

"most of mozart's reflect the idea that he wrote. it can a strange place be. my love i dog."

how to stay dry in a downpour.

the quick, easy, and risk free way to stay dry in a torrential downpour.  in just three easy steps, you can be dry, comfy, and cozy while the rain comes down around you.

1.  do not, under any circumstance, go outside.
2.  make sure all doors and windows are securely closed and locked.  for extra assurance, you may even seal these openings with tarps or something of the sort.

and last but not least...

3.  stay away from all possible leaks in the roof, puddles of water in a flooded basement, etc.

---

unfortunately, i speak these words of wisdom coming from my experience this morning.  i had to go take my exam, therefore i had to go outside.  step number one... broken.  in a rush to get there in time, i left my windows open.  when i got back after my exam, inside, in the safety of my room, i still got wet.  step number two... broken.  lastly, there is a leak in my ceiling.  nothing like changing into dry clothes only to get dripped on.  ughhhh.  step number three... broken.

please, take my advice.  you'd save yourself the aggravation.  just sayin'.

one more day.

one more day...

of official summer school.
waking up at 6:30 am.
7:00 am lectures.
the need for 3 hour naps.
of early bed times.

...until SUMMER!

an overdue letter.

father's day.

father's day.

it's bittersweet.  not the first alone, but then again, it doesn't change the way i feel.  it's not that coping with the day gets easier, i've just changed my form of attack.  last year i was home with mom.  this year, i spent it with my uncle and visited my grandpa.

significant-male-role-model-in-your-life day.

i was listening to the radio on friday and the deejay was so jovial while talking about not having his father around to celebrate.  i know it is part of the persona he has to keep for his line of work, but i wonder if there really is hidden emotion, sadness, etc.  does it get easier?

they keep saying so.  i'm waiting.

i did exactly what my father would have loved to do father's day weekend though.  i visited gardens, nurseries, tested my plant knowledge, ate a rueben, etc.  spending it with my uncle definitely kept the spirit of my dad alive.  his mannerisms, his passions, everything.  so many times i found myself saying, "oh my god.  he and dad are so alike!"

anything to hold on to, i suppose...

confused.

the moon is pulling at me,
the moon is pulling at you
you swear to me it's the sun
that's shining through
it's hard to push for the truth
when lies are easy to find
i'm left with, i'm left with
this trouble in mind.

--Bree Sharp

brighter life.

it was the third day of third grade.  i remember it being hotter than hades outside and i just wanted to go to the pool.  in the neighborhood i grew up in, there was a pool for the community right up the street.  my mom wasn't home but i knew she wouldn't mind if i went to the pool anyways -- i had lived there all summer.  i called my best friend to see if she wanted to ride bikes.  of course she said yes, but only if the new girl could come. 

great, i thought!  a new friend.  i was young and naive.  i didn't realize people had the power to truly hurt someone.  instead, i was so excited to have a new playmate in the 'hood (is it okay if i call it that?).  someone to call to hang out and enjoy my time with. 

unfortunately, my dreams for the afternoon were shattered.  i got to my best friend's house (a five mintue ride), when my mother called.  my grandma died.  this was to be expected and if i were older, i suppose i would have seen it coming.  not only did she have paranoid schitzophrenia, she was dying of terminal cancer (which i later came to find out took the lives of a few of her siblings as well).  thankfully, i was blissfully unaware of her ailments and i loved her with the unconditional love of a child. 

a few days passed and i retreated.  i see this behavior in me today, still.  if there is something unpleasant, i'd prefer to hide from all my troubles.  i didn't want to hang out with friends.  i didn't socialize on the playground at school.  i sat in the front of the bus with all the other dorky kids that never said anything.  i wanted to run away.  at the same time, i thought that my friends would always be there for me.  my mom was.  i yelled at her all the time but she never left me.  my dad was always there too.  no matter what i said to make him angry, he never abandoned me.

so when halloween came, i was devastated to learn that i didn't have anyone to go trick-or-treating with.  i didn't have a friend to be twins with or thing 1 and thing 2 or tigger and pooh.  no.  i learned that my best friend no longer liked me.  not only did she not like me anymore, she had a new best friend that told her not to like me.  and she listened.  i remember hopping in the car after school that day (we had half days for halloween parades the friday of halloween every year and it was tradition for my mom to pick me up -- a special treat!) and sobbing to my mom.  "nobody likes me.  everybody hates me.  guess i'll go eat worms."  verbatim.  that's what i said.

now, i know that that was irrational.  i have friends.  i had friends besides my neighborhood best friend.  but i was absolutely devastated.  and that feeling of loss and devestation clings with me today.  i am constantly worried about offending those i call friends, upsetting them.  i'm scared of getting in huge fights and losing them.  this shocks many, i know.  i'm good at playing the tough girl act that's not afraid to stand up to people but truth is: i'm a pansy.  after every argument i may have with a friend i start to let my mind wander to that dark place -- will they leave me?

a few months ago, i was sitting around and talking with my best friend from back in those days.  once middle school passed we were able to rekindle our friendship.  she no longer talks to the "new girl."  the "new girl" hurt her pretty badly.  while this doesn't surprise me, i think there is an important lesson for everyone to learn -- the newest things/people/trends are not always the best.  i think it is easy to get ourselves caught in any of the roles mentioned above, the loved one, the new one, and the lost one, but it is important to remember that all humans have feelings.  we all have thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and emotions.  what you see on the outside is not everything happening on the inside. 

it's a rough lesson to learn, to grasp, and to process.  i work on it everyday and yet i still catch myself playing the role of all of these characters.  it's always a sticky situation.  therefore, as awful as it sounds i have learned to watch out for myself.  i have to do what keeps me happy and content with myself.  i only have one Person to answer to and it is no one that is walking this earth with me right now.  there will be judgements, falling outs, etc., but there are brighter things that lay ahead.   

:)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talent, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. ...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

:)

All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough. They will tell you no a thousand times, no until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly, and very quickly. They will tell you no. And YOU will tell them yes. -Nike

last day.

Today was the last day at my field placement. Even though I only went 7 times, I felt like I had made such a bond with the students. There was a comfort level. A trust level. My last day there was also the day my college class took a tour of the facilities. As my class was leaving the classroom I usually observe in, one of the students called out for me to stay. I wasn't supposed to leave with my friends. Talk about a tug at the heart strings. It's so difficult to go into that place and know that my smiling face, my supervisor's hug, the principal's pat on the back may be the only positive part of that student's day. The food they get at school may be the only meal they eat. I fell in love with those kids.

At the end of this field placement, I'm sad. The last few? I've been happy to see them pass. I've been excited to move on and experience new things, but this time... I found where I'm meant to be, what calling I possess. I miss the kiddos already. They were nuts -- heck, they drove me NUTS! -- but it was such a rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade the early mornings, long drives, and caffeine headaches for anything!

emotions.

disappointed.
discouraged.
tired.
depressed.
deserted.
inept.
underestimated.
awkward.
lonely.
insecure.
manipulated.
unsure.
angry.
invalidated.
robbed.
defensive.
guarded.

my blog has been a whole lot of nothing. and it appears that that is how it shall continue to be. i can't think of what to write but these are the words that seem to pop into my head today.

someday, one day things will begin to look up.

is there a purpose?

God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you NEED -- to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you're meant to be!

little wonders.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
[...]
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

thilly tharah!

today was my roommate's junior recital and she...

rocked it.

it was so amazing and i am so glad i get to call her a friend. her voice is ridiculously awesome, amazing, fantastic, etc.

one of her friends wrote a great summary on her facebook:

*stun-ning*
adjective

synonyms: Sarah, Sarah's recital, Sarah's voice, Sarah's dress.

See "beautiful", "amazing", "talented". Also see "Sarah. PERIOD." :).

--

good job, apartmentmate of mine.

pee ess// this is my spider.

:)

"Be soft, do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

hello? can you see me?

i have a pet peeve. okay, lets be honest -- i probably have multiple pet peeves. my biggest pet peeve at the moment though is...

when people can't look, accept, and acknowledge a human being for who they are.

i was contemplating writing about it on my blog and then decided against it. but today, i saw it played out in real life, studied on extreme makeover: home edition, and portrayed on oprah. everyone is a unique individual, created in the image of Christ, and deserving of love, affection, and acknowledgment. i'm not saying we have to get along with everyone in the world, but you have to give people a chance.

everyone has a purpose in life. we are all put on this earth for a reason and i truly, deeply believe that. the severely cognitively impaired child with six different medical needs is on this earth for a reason. to smile. to bring joy to those around them. we don't all have to get the highest degree in our field, invent the newest, handiest-dandiest self-help aid, write a novel on our experiences, etc.

quality of life isn't based on how much money a person makes, the color of one's skin, a person's age, etc. it is based on happiness. therefore, it is our job to live each day to the fullest, enjoy our time on earth, because we are all here for a reason -- none bigger or smaller than the other.

drip, drip, drip.

it poured here today. here is an interesting term though. it tsunami-ed outside. it was ridiculous. in about fifteen minutes, we got five inches of rain. NUTS. in my bedroom, we got a lot of water too.

drip, drip, drip...

right onto my futon. my sweatshirt. my blanket. a picture frame. it was everywhere. i love water. i love storms. but i do NOT love when water meets with things that are not water resistant.

no good at all.

in addition to the leak in the ceiling and the soaked belongings: our bathroom is being painted and i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure i can register for my classes. pain in the butt, for sure.

then i had sushi for lunch...

...and all is right in the world.

that's the way it is!

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if you stick together
You're gonna find a way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, babe
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

--Celine Dion

learn something!

Yesterday afternoon, my roommate was standing in the room trying to remember what she was looking for (this is a common occurrence), and out of no where she started to sing. I'm probably dating myself here (so young or so old?), but do you guys remember PB&J Otter? My roommate, all 5'10" of her, was standing by her desk doing the Noodle Dance. It was quite the sight to see.

Obviously(!!!), this called for some youtube so we could hear the actual version and relive our childhoods and eventually, led me to the Arthur Theme Song. Have you ever listened to the lyrics? You may laugh, but the world could learn something from that... aardvark?

Everyday when you're walking down the street, everybody that you meet

Has an original point of view

And I say HEY! (HEY!) what a wonderful kind of day.

Where you can learn to work and play

And get along with each other

You got to listen to your heart

Listen to the beat

Listen to the rhythm, the rhythm of the street

Open up your eyes, open up your ears

Get together and make things better

By working together!

It's a simple message and it comes from the heart

Believe in yourself (echo: believe in yourself)

Well that's the place to start (to start)

And I say HEY! (HEY!)what a wonderful kind of day

Where you learn to work and play

And get along with each other

hey what a wonderful time of day hey!

piggy bank.

i just bought this.

you should be jealous.  very, very jealous.

unhappiness.

there isn't much left that is redeeming about this place. i used to talk about how much i loved it, what a second home it is, blah blah blah. today, i'm just not feeling that though. its my first full day back from break, the day before classes start again and there is no excitement. i'm sitting in my room with the door shut, my music on, and praying the days away until july 2 when i can go home.

i seem to be living in a pervasive mood of unhappiness. i never felt that way at home. some may say it's homesick but it really isn't. being home was nice but it wasn't the end all be all to my happiness. it was just the place of escape from this place. i stopped at my friend's college. i was happy there. i went to open houses, unfamiliar places, and i was happy there. we're getting ready to sell the house i lived in for most of my life and i was still happy.

today, i'm not very happy though. i enjoy my classes. my professors aren't half bad. i have a few awesome friends. but besides that, i can't wait to get out of here. the sooner the better. this institution is no longer a place full of excitement and fond memories, but instead something i LONG to put in the past.

sometimes things seem sweeter in hindsight. you know?

ride of your life!

Wishing on a shooting star
But dreams alone won't get you far
Can't deny your feelings anymore
The world is waiting right outside your door
What are you waiting for?

Come on, here's your chance
Don't let it slip right through your hands
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in and
Get ready for the ride of your life
The ride of your life

In your heart, you know what must do
You've only got yourself to answer to
Don't let fear of fallen hold you down
Your spirit's flying high above the clouds
You're glory bound

Come on here's your chance
Don't let it slip right through your hands
Are you ready, for the ride of your life
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in and
Get ready for the ride of your life

You are on your way no looking back
There's no future living in the past
You're free at last yeah
You're free at last

Come on here's your chance
Don't let it slip right through your hands
Are you ready for the ride of your life yea
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in and
Get ready for the ride of your life
Ride of your life

Come on, come on get ready
Yea, yea, yea
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in
Get ready for the ride of your life.

--John Gregory

clarity.

glasses are a great thing. there is something about seeing with great clarity that is so refreshing. seriously. i've gone through life and i've managed to survive with the hazy look, enough so that i never wore my glasses. there are perks to a hazy world, not paying attention to small defects in life, not seeing every flaw in everything.

but clairty! there is nothing like it. it's so nice to see the crisp edge of letters, words, doors, cars, LIFE. its so nice to soak up the little things -- the scratch on my car, the dent in my bedroom wall, the tiny drip of paint on my mother's favorite wall paper. mmm, clarity.

i got six pairs of glasses today. no joke. the most important pair was my bifocals. i'm a granny, seriously. but of course, those had to be ordered so i won't have them for a few weeks. i went to the store and bought cheap reading glasses to last me until then.

LOVE new glasses. does that make me weird?

i'm gonna miss this!

quirky!

one of my [many] quirks is the fact that i have to have my room clean before i leave on vacation. it is probably because my mom was this way, but it drives me absolutely bonkers to come back to a dirty place.

so, this morning before i left, i made sure my desk and closet were clean and organized. i spent a few minutes wiping the dust off my desk. i was thorough, very thorough. i went over my packing list time and time again. i had everything. i was confident.

i got on the road a little earlier than expected, due to the fact that i had originally factored in going to class (oops!). i woke up too late to make it there and instead prepared for the long trek home. i mentioned that i reviewed my packing list 10386 times, right?

about an hour out, as i was merging onto the major highway -- it struck me. i forgot my textbook. i need my textbook. i have an exam the day after i get back. awesome. did i turn around? no. but i have to go back a day early to make sure i get enough studying in.

all that trouble cleaning and packing and checking and rechecking and i STILL forgot something. it never fails. ughhh.

st. patrick's day.

confrontation.

in the last day, i've learned a lot about confrontation. the first thing? i'm not good at it. direct confrontation, that is. i'd prefer to make things better by just developing a solution or joking about it. i don't want to sit down and hash it out in a serious tone. it's just not the way i typically jive.

i'm not good at direct confrontation. i'm good at pointing the finger at everyone but myself. some people weren't raised with the same core values/practices i was. i'm uncomfortable being left alone with a 27-year old man i don't know. what is important to me isn't necessarily important to everyone else. perception plays a huge role in every situation; perceptions can be very different. i feel awkward when two people are on top of each other half naked. i like clean kitchens. lack of confrontation means getting away with whatever you want. life isn't about perfection; it's about compromise. owl city is easy to get lost in.

give me Jesus.

it's probably best i just post this...

i'll write a real post tomorrow.

dance marathon.

dance marathon is over. 24 hours of standing. mediocre music. unidentifiable food. camp games. anything to pass the time. but all of it dedicated to raising money for children that spend time in the hospital. it doesn't matter how tired you get, how badly your feet hurt, if its sunny outside or night. it all pales in comparison to what the miracle children have been through.

i didn't participate all 24 hours. i went for a few hours here and there. it wasn't until the last eight hours that i forced myself to stay. it didn't matter that my feet hurt. or i was tired. the point of the marathon was not about how miserable i was. the meaning of dance marathon goes deeper than that. unfortunately, it took about 22 hours for the concept to truly sink in.

there is something bigger and better out there than me. than the school i attend. there is hurt out there that goes deeper than anything i've experienced. my life is really quite peachy. i wasn't shaken by a care provider, my child wasn't either. i didn't have a brain tumor removed from my head that was the size of a baseball by age 3. i've never been hospitalized.

listening to several miracle children and their families speak throughout the 24 hours reminded me of the care my dad received in the hospital. he had doctors and nurses that were out-of-this-world awesome and accommodating. it was rough for a grown man to be hospitalized and yet, these kids have known hospitalizations from a very early age.

there is only so much that bricks and mortar can do. the quality of a hospital stay is determined by the personalities, minds, and hearts of doctors, nurses, food services, chaplains, security personnel, valets, etc. unfortunately, all of these things cost money. i remember the cost of my dad's hospital stay. it was outrageous. and yet some of these kids have had multiple hospital stays as long as his. THEN it sank in.

how much money do i spend at the grocery store every week? do i really need that people magazine? how often do i stop for fast food? how many movies have i bought just because they were five dollars? my money could go a lot further if i didn't spend it on myself. there are so many better causes to spend it on and ultimately, i'd probably be happier.

just a lot to think about. so many things i want to help with. i don't know where to start, how to help to the best of my ability. it's been a good week and i'm forever grateful for the reminders i've received. and to think, i learned so much while hanging out with some awesome friends. :)

trouble sleeping.

It's late and I'm feeling so tired

Having trouble sleeping.

This constant compromise

Between thinking and breathing.

Corrine Bailey Rae

love.

stand.

Open dark eyes when it gets so late
When the light feels heavy, but the thought can't wait
Stand.

Light an old candle, with a pinhead wick
A blanket in hand on the floor you sit
Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
Cause this is life, you are living it right now

An overcast Sunday and a grocery sack
Splashing through puddles on a long walk back
Stand.

You're stopped for a moment while a hearse rolls by
You shed a few tears but you don't know why
Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
Cause this is life, you are living it right now

So won't you Stand.

Go on and tell yourself stories when the sleep won't fall
When you think you hear steps at the end of the hall
Let yourself shiver when the night gets cold
When you whisper goodbye but you can't let go
Won't you Stand.
Won't you Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
This is life, you are living it right now
This is life, we are living it right now
This is life, we are living it...

Let yourself go in the songs you sing,
Let them move you to love, or stop you to think...

--Beau Bristow

tarzan!

I'm missing this critter right about now!

foggy?

it's foggy outside. really foggy. eerily foggy. foggy to the point that i wouldn't walk outside alone. it has taken over everything. it is a blanket over the chaos of this world and for once, it seems silent. there is something about fog that is so nice. i love fog in the morning, a fresh reminder of a new day and clean slate. and that has me thinking...

maybe this fog is to clean the slate tonight. i went to dinner. i spent 3 hours venting about anything and everything. i rolled my eyes at a few things, glared at a few people, pretended to vomit when i saw some girls. i'm hoping this fog is God's way of saying, "you are forgiven." 'cause we all know i could really use forgiveness.

i'm really needing God right now. i'm desperate to find Him everywhere and i think this intentional thinking has been good for my soul. it is so easy to mark things off as coincidence or luck, but God has a hand in these things and sometimes i just need a reminder.

dear God,
thanks for your reminders, even if they do come in the form of eerie fog.
love, me

who are you?

What is is it that you stand for? What is something you are passionate about? Do you have a strong opinion about something that you just won't change?

I hope the answer is "yes" to at least one of those questions. While it may be unhealthy to take any of these situations to the extreme, I believe it is an important part of life.

I stand for adoption. I love it. I have three cousins that are adopted and I love each of them for their quirky personality and their differences. I couldn't imagine my life without them as a part of my family. While I understand adoption is something that isn't right for everyone, I believe that God has a heart for the orphan and I feel that I will most likely adopt.

Six years ago, I came up with the perfect idea to start a orphanage run by myself and cousins. I was going to be the teacher, one cousin was going to design the building, another be the nurse, a third be the social worker, so on and so forth. It all works so well with all our callings and I love that. It is a dream that I hope one day can be fulfilled.

In the meantime though, I feel strongly about having a definite opinion. The past year I have really struggled with trying to pin down what it is that sets me off about one of my friends. Love the person to pieces, but there has just been something that has been driving me batty. And today, it hit me...

They appear to be so uneducated/inexperienced with so many life issues that they believe anything that is presented to them. When we have conversations, I feel as though I am being fed exactly what they think I want to hear. I can not recall a single serious conversation I have ever had with them. It's all trivial about what was read on the internet or heard on MTV. I've never heard them talk about a class they like or anything that they feel strongly about.

To a degree, I'm sad. I want them to have that passion in life. That one thing that they strive to achieve. I want them to experience the love for a class or a calling that I do. Who knows, maybe they do and they just don't know how to express it. I understand that what I desire isn't what everyone else desires. If everyone in the world became a Special Ed teacher with a heart for the orphan, well, there wouldn't be a need for a Special Ed teacher. There would be no orphans. I understand that we are all different.

But, please, have an opinion. Be passionate about something. Get comfortable in your own skin and let me learn a little something about you. Just you. Plain old you. Not the you that you want me to think you are. I don't like that person.