what is hope?

what is "hope"?

my friends and i would argue that it's a college. it's a couple acres of land, some cool buildings, and the recipient of thousands of my dollars. hope is the holder of many memories (whether pleasant or not) and hopefully of many more to come. it is a second home and a safe haven.

it's an uplifting sensation that gives me the motivation to move forward in life, to put one foot in front of the other, and get out of bed each morning. hope plasters a smile on my face in moments when i'd rather just cry, pull my hair out, or scream into my pillow. it is a change of behavior and a new look at life.

as sheila walsh says, "hope requires more than simply clicking red shoes or crossing our fingers. it is a sweet and magnificent benefit of walking with Christ. hope looks at all that is true about the present, lifts the circumstances of life into the tender, loving hands of God -- and exhales in trust."

it's Christmas time!

Put your problems on probation

Run your troubles off the track,

Throw your worries out the window

Get the monkeys off your back.

Silence all your inner critics

With your conscience make amends,

And allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

Call a truce with those who bother you

Let all the fighting cease,

Give your differences a breather

And declare a time of peace,

Don't let angry feelings taint

The precious time you have to spend,

And allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

Like some cool refreshing water

Or a gentle summer breeze,

Like a fresh bouquet of flowers

Or the smell of autumn leaves,

It's a banquet for the spirit

Filled with family, food and friends,

So allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

--Bob Lazzar-Atwood

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

and the countdown begins.

so uneasy. so excited. so nervous. so anxious. so upset. so happy. so crazy. so dumb. so exhausted.

...less than 24 hours. ughhhhhhhh.

sync in progress.

sync in progress.

everytime i plug my phone in, that is what it tells me. usually it bothers me. it pops up just as i'm about to do something or seems to stay forever. this morning though, i find it comforting. and it is this comfort that has led me to believe "sync in progress" should be my motto for this year.

i feel so off. i'm not taking a lot of classes. i'm behind on pretty much everything in my life. i'm having a hard time fighting this sinus infection. i'm grieving. i meet with 2 different people every week to make sure i don't go crazy.

this semester is just not ideal. then again, what is "ideal"? i suppose it is a defined by society. what does society deem as "normal" or "ideal"? definitely not my life right now. but then i just plug in my phone and i'm reminded...

sync in progress.

that's what this semester is. i'm getting my ducks in a row. i'm sorting and stapling. i'm figuring this whole "life" thing out. i'm asking the hard questions. i'm working through the rough times. it's not fun. it's not easy. but it has to happen and i'm glad i'm surrounded by the people i am to help me. i think they are a pretty stellar bunch.

so while i try to figure this crazy thing out, i'll just continue to take comfort in my iphone. let's be real -- sometimes i forget i don't need my iphone to breathe. and as it helps me to breathe, it can help me remember my motto this year:

[[sync in progress]]

7:15 am

Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.
Why can't the tone at least be deep?
Beep, Beep! Beep!
The cerebrospinal fluid seeps.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.

not much to say.

I have a lot to say but nothing at all. So I'll leave the post with this poem printed in the bulliten at my father's memorial service.

In the bulb there is a flower;

In the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise:

Butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter;

There's a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

There's a song in every silence,

Seeking word and melody;

There's a dawn in every darkness,

Bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future;

What it holds, a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning;

In our time, infinity.

In our doubt, there is believing;

In our life, eternity.

In our death, a resurrection;

At the last, a victory

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

Rest in peace, Adella. Rest in peace.

growing up free.

I think growing up is an interesting adventure for everyone. As I'm sure with every sibling rivalry, being the youngest and the only girl meant that I was not only stupid because I was too young but I was also stupid because I was a girl. I could never say the right thing, listen to the right music, or intelligently contribute to any conversation. Of course, this isn't true - or so I keep telling myself. I think I've been able to do a few things right in my time. And, in the end, my brother's were able to "convert" me to their favorite music (kinda)!

I like to think I listen to a wide variety of music. Looking at the playlist I often play, I have Ace of Base and All-American Rejects, Aretha Franklin and the Beatles, Rent and Hairspray, Bon Jovi, High School Musical, Shania Twain, etc. I listen to everything. Laugh at me if you will, but some of the most relaxing music that I love to listen to the most is Celtic Woman. It's old people music (or so my brothers continually tell me) but those girls have outstanding voices. They are so pure and quiet and peaceful.

Before my dad passed away, my parents had offered to host my cousin's wedding reception. As a hostess gift, my cousin and her husband gave my mom two tickets to the Celtic Woman concert. My mom, dad, and I had gone to their first concert a couple years ago and my mom has been dying to go again. They are phenomenal in concert. While there, the released their song: O, America.

Music: William Joseph

Words: Brendan Graham

O, America you’re calling,

I can hear you calling me:

You are calling me to be true to thee,

True to thee… I will be.

O, America no weeping,

Let me heal your wounded heart:

I will keep you in my keeping,

Till there be… a new start.

And I will answer you, and I will take your hand,

And lead you… to the sun:

And I will stand by you…do all that I can do,

And we will be… as one.

O, America I hear you,

From your prairies to the sea,

From your mountains grand, and all through this land,

You are beautiful to me.

And… O, America you’re calling,

I can hear you calling me:

You are calling me to be true to thee,

True to thee… I will be.

And I will answer you, and I will take your hand,

And lead you… to the sun:

And I will stand by you… do all that I can do,

And we will be…as one.

O, America you’re calling…

I will ever answer thee.

The lyrics are what I'm all about too. I am so sick of people recently complaining about this, that, and the other; about how the world is going to hell in a hand basket and America is going to be the one leading. The US has so much to offer and I am so thankful to be living here. I love the freedom I am able to enjoy and I applaud those with the courage to fight for those freedoms. The land is beautiful and the opportunities wonderful (although currently dwindling).

I am proud to be American.

*end rant and end random post*

history [in the making...]

Updated:

I just read on the same blog mentioned below that a fellow blogger passed away. I'd been praying for her for a while now. She was the mother of 10 kids and had been fighting a good battle with cancer. Please keep her husband and children in your prayers. I know they could use it right now! It's hard to believe I was in there place just 5 months ago. It's hard to wrap the mind around...

------

Original Post:

This morning is a huge day. Bill Clinton has successfully rescued two journalists from North Korea and they are just arriving home. Not going to lie, I was a little concerned about his trip over there. I was skeptical he would be able to do it. And in the end, I should eat my words because he was successful. Watching them reuinte with their families is a very emotional/exciting thing and I am glad to be a part of it (and by that, I mean -- able to watch it play by play on the Today show)! Seriously, I'm sitting here on the bed with tears coming down my face. I can't imagine not seeing my family for 4 1/2 months, thinking it'd be 11 1/2 more years and spending it in a foreign country half way around the world. It's crazy to think about. It is definitely an important part of the United States and will be a part of our history.

And it's really interesting: my mother always tells me that I have seen more devestation than she ever has. One crazy lady from church keeps telling me the end of the world is coming any day because of all the devastation in the last several years. But, looking back on history - my parents saw a lot of devastation as well. They witnessed the Korean War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Brown v. Board of Education and the Civil Rights Movement, John F. Kennedy Assassination, Vietnam War, Martin Luther King, Jr. Assassination, Roe v. Wade, 1973 Oil Crisis, and Watergate. My parents saw a lot in their childhood/young adulthood. (I stopped their timeline shortly before they started having children).

In my life, there has been the first (Desert Storm) and second Iraqi War, the dot com bubble, and the 2001 terrorist attacks. I'm sure there will be more to come in my lifetime (unfortunately or fortunately?) but it is crazy to see that the world and society is always evolving. Maybe all the devastation wasn't as public to my parents or maybe they were sheltered but bad (and good) things still happened back then. Life isn't suddenly going to Hell in a hand basket as some would like you to believe, but negative things do continue to happen.

So what can we do? I, personally, do not want to sit back and just witness bad things happen. I want to make a difference. I blogged about The Rescue in April held by the organization Invisible Children. Invisible Children dot com is trying to spread the word of the children soldiers in Northern Uganda. Check it out -- you won't regret it. Another thing I wanted to bring to my readers' attention (all what? one or two of you?) is some more devastation in Africa. I follow a blog of a Christian mother of many and find a lot of comfort in her messages and she just posted about the abduction of 4 boys in Uganda. Check her blog post out. These poor boys are believed to have been kidnapped to be used in child trafficking. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

What makes the news today doesn't even touch the iceberg of what is happening in the world today. Thankfully, the media is drawing attention to some things - the war in Iraq, kidnapped reporters, economic struggles everywhere. Even more, thankfully there are organizations like Invisible Children trying to gain the publicity with the media of the struggle in Northern Uganda. I am itching to make a difference in this world and even though I may not have any idea yet on how, I know I can pray. I can pray for the hurt, the suffering, the grieving, the orphan, the homeless, the hungry. It's a start - a pretty good one I think. We'll see where I go from there...

This blogger brought the following scripture to my attention and it totally fits. Check it out:

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'  37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'  40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:34-40

michael jackson

Today is July 7th. I'm sitting in the guest room watching the memorial service for Michael Jackson for a history class, but for my own sake too. There are so many mixed feelings across the country - the world - about his death. His life is forever tainted by molestation allegations.

One senator from New York made a statement that it was disgusting that over the 4th, people were thinking of Michael Jackson instead of thinking of the troops. As someone who fully supports the troops and what they sacrifice for this country, I have to believe in the freedom and the court system that the United States has and those soldiers fight for.

Michael Jackson was never found guilty of any of those charges. In the first trial, the case was dismissed because they didn't even have enough evidence - that would be because the kid has since come forward and admitted he lied because his dad needed the money. He was acquitted in the second trial as well. Because of this, as a fellow American, I must assume he is innocent.

His contribution to the music industry is unprecedented. He integrated MTV with his music video "Beat It." He was a trailblazer bringing black soul music to a crowd that normally wouldn't listen. He reached people of all ages. He revolutionized dance as well with his signiture moves like the moon walk and those crazy Thriller moves.

Michael Jackson will be sorely missed but I look forward to passing on his music legacy to future generations by continuing to enjoy is unique musical style.

unsure.

There are so many interesting stories you learn from sitting in hospital waiting rooms day in and day out. We met many families of lung transplant patients, heart transplant patients, device patients. The stories were heartbreaking but miraculous as well.

There was one woman that I got to know very well throughout the weeks. Her husband received an artificial heart a couple weeks before Dad had been moved to that unit. There were many times that the unit would be shut down for medical emergencies and visitors were asked to leave. During those times, we would sit and talk about our different journeys with our loved ones in the hospital.

She is this little firecracker. She is 4'11" but I wouldn't dare cross her path when she is mad. That woman knows how to defend herself and she is quick with her words. There were many times that I wished I was able to respond that quickly and with such great, witty remarks.

Her husband is 6'6". He received his artificial heart just days before Christmas and was doing alright. Unfortunately, he was having issues with blood pressure and they had him on a high dose of Prop to help him. Prop cuts off blood flow to extremities in order to maintain a high enough blood pressure in your trunk. Therefore, his wife had to make the difficult decision while he was still heavily sedated and intubated, to have his one leg amputated just below the knee.

To make matters worse, he had a mild stroke and lost vision in one eye. Eventually, he was moved from the ICU unit to a regular nursing floor. He wasn't allowed to leave the hospital with the artificial heart because he literally had NO heart in his body and needed to be in a highly monitored setting. He was able to get a prosthesis and start learning to walk when...

He started to bleed excessively from the rectum and they learned that he had malignant tumors in his colon. Concerned that the cancer might have spread to the lymph nodes, they removed the tumors and a couple weeks later, went back and did a biopsy of the lymph nodes which came back negative.

He went on the heart transplant list on April 5th and was transplanted April 9th. When I finally got word from his wife that he got a heart, I could not stop smiling! Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way for my dad, but it is refreshing to know that not everyone has to suffer like we are now!

Something I didn't know before Dad went on the transplant list is this: you can't transplant a babies heart into a grown man. It isn't like the heart can grow to accomodate like other organs can. The heart needs to come from someone of comparable size and needs to be the same blood type. You can imagine how difficult it is to find a heart donor that is 6'6"-ish. In addition, while other organ transplants are up in numbers, heart donors have remained the same. Many families are able to make the decision to donate a loved one's organs after they witness the heart stop beating but can not emotionally make the decision when their loved one is only brain dead.

Though everyone's journeys through the hospital setting are always different and the outcomes are never quite the same, I feel blessed to have met those families -- especially the one talked about above. I am so anxious to get back up to the hospital and see them before the leave for home. They became a part of my reality for so long that my life feels weird without seeing them everyday. There are nurses I'd love to see too.

Part of me isn't ready though. All those rooms look the same and one of those rooms is the last place I saw my dad. I'm bound to encounter nurses who took care of my dad no matter where I walk and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it all yet. Please pray for me. Maybe it is part of the healing process by going. Maybe it will finally sink in that Dad really isn't physically here anymore and I can start the healing process. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure about my future, about where I stand in various friendships, about whether I am making sound decisions or not. I'm just unsure.

invisible children.

This is definitely something everyone needs to check out.

http://www.therescue.invisiblechildren.com/

I am way behind the times on getting the word out there. I sat down and finally checked out a link that my friends had sent to me time and time again. I should have done it forever ago.

Sometimes, it is so easy to get caught up in the every day to day happenings in our life that we forget the big picture. There is constantly 3o minutes here or there throughout the day to sit down and check our favorite websites or watch our favorite shows. Here in the States, we have access to so many things the rest of the world doesn't and it is so easy to take advantage of it.

Today, I spent a half an hour watching a video about children in Africa. My heart is breaking for these children and what they are forced to go through day after day after day. They have been robbed of their childhood and forced to see and do things I hope I never have to witness. It needs to stop!

On April 25, 2009 Invisible Children is hosting the RESCUE, a rally in 100 cities across 10 countries, to bring attention to the plight of the children abducted and forced to fight as soldiers in Central East Africa. For the past 23 years, the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) and the Government of Uganda (GoU) have been waging a war that has left nearly two million innocent civilians caught in the middle. It is time for governments and international bodies to develop a strategy and support existing efforts to rescue the child soldiers abducted by the LRA.

This past Christmas many of us spent time with our families and exchanged gifts. We spent times under roofs, enjoyed wonderful meals, and many expanded their earthly possessions. Meanwhile, in Uganda on Christmas Day, 620 people were massacred and 160 children were abducted. Did you know that? Did you ever hear about that? I hadn't.

Check out the website. There are some awesome things going on to help put a stop to the war. If you are able to, check out a rally in a town near you. Write letters to famous celebrities, politicians, friends, and family and make them aware of what is going on. There are t-shirts for sale on the website to help you make a statement if you are someone who is uncomfortable verbally sharing your opinion. You can make monetary donations to help as well.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

I truly believe that the people at Invisible Children are trying to do just that: preach good news to the poor and help free the captives. It isn't a Christian organization but you don't have to be a Christian to make a difference. Although being a Christian is really super awesome (and you should look into the Bible -- you won't regret it)!

I pray for all of those in Northern Uganda. I pray for the children who have been abducted and lost their innocence. I pray for the families of those children who mourn the loss of their child, not knowing whether their child is still alive or not. I pray that those families and children are able to know the Way, the Truth, and the Life; that there is a God that will not leave them nor forsake them. There is hope!

It is so easy to let it slide and leave it for someone else to do. In this day and age we expect instant gratification and after all, one person isn't going to make the difference. One person isn't going to be able to stop the war -- right? But if a bunch of "one person" people get together, there can be a huge impact and the more people involved, the faster there can be a solution.

Those children need to know that there are people fighting for them and they are not alone. Are you ready to do something to help? I'm already on my way...

overwhelmed.

I've been back from California for over a week now.  It was an awesome trip.  It was so nice to "escape" the immediate reminders of an awfully empty house.  The weather wasn't warm but it was very sunny so, I can't complain too much.  Our hotel room had an ocean view and someone nicely paid for us to receive anonymous amenities every day.  We did some touristy stuff, but more than anything simply enjoyed the different atmosphere.  A lot of family friends were there as well, and we enjoyed catching up with everyone.

On one day, they had a luncheon simply dedicated to Dad.  They went around from table to table and people were able to share their favorite memories of him.  It is funny how many different perspectives and memories their were.  Many memories recalled helped unlock deeper memories within me as well.  It was very sweet.  Thankfully, they taped it too so we can go back and watch it as many times as we want.  :)

Since we've been home from vacation though, things have begun to get crazy.  All the sudden it feels like nothing is under control anymore and I've become a bit of a watering pot.  Cleaning out drawers and cabinets and shelves just brings back many more memories.  There are a lot of repairs around the house that need to be tended too immediately, and then there is all the financial stuff that needs to be figured out -- yesterday.

For the first month I was numb.  It was just go, go, go and tons of stuff got taken care of.  We went on vacation to simply relax and did so successfully; now that we're back -- it's all consuming and a little bit crazy to say the least.

I'm simply overwhelmed.

california! :)

Mom and I are off to California for the week and we don't have to spend a penny. I'm excited to travel on someone else's dime and get out of here for the next six days. It's not going to be the easiest trip, but it will be a good break away from the in-your-face-everyday-things that remind us of Dad. 

The trip is to the annual meeting of an organization my dad co-founded. They are dedicating the 25th annual meeting to him, naming the foundation after him, and having a luncheon in his honor. We'll be seeing a lot of family friends we only see once a year or once ever few years and it will be good to remember Dad for all his accomplishments.

I am a little nervous to fly, though. I've flown to Australia twice but I haven't been on a plane for years. I'm sure I'll be fine when I hop back on a plane and get used to the swing of things again. Just a little nervous for the time being. If you think of it -- say a prayer for me!

Be back in a week! :)