thunderstorm.

i have an obsession with thunderstorms.  i frequently wish it thunderstormed all day.  i truly believe that i could probably move to seattle and be happy because i. love. rain.  growing up, whenever it would storm, i would go outside with my dad.  we had a screened-in porch where we would sit and listen to the rain.  in silence.  just enjoying the moment.  as i got older, i wasn't always home when it stormed.  i'd get in after hanging out with friends to find him asleep on the bench outside.  there is something so peaceful about rain.

i love listening to rain as i fall asleep -- late at night or all tucked in for a midafternoon nap.  i love listening to rain when i'm depressed, as i listen to sad music, as i reflect on life, as i read my Bible, as i write lesson plans.  i love the background music of rain.  the cleansing of imperfections and past moments.  it has always served as a reminder that whatever happened in the past is in the past.  deal with it, learn from it, let it wash away, and start anew.  i love new beginnings.

i love rain.

lack of productivity.

i'll take a vowel for $1,000,000.  i'd like to guess.  what is "lack of productivity"?  WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

i did nothing tonight.  i had this great to do list for the evening.  it was composed of... lesson plans, resource files, tweaking my case study, lesson plans, and more lesson plans.  i wanted to get at least get two lesson plans plus all the other stuff done.  i was going to be productive.  yes sir, i was.

but then i wasn't.  i sat in the kletz (dutch for "conversation" if you didn't know -- at least, that's what the tour told me) and did no homework.  i laughed until i cried.  i listening to music.  i drank coffee.  i laughed some more.  i watched my friends dance and do weird things like "squirrel."  and i got nothing academic done.

it was great.  as the year winds to an end and everyone starts stressing out, the night was great to remind me that no matter how stressful things get -- the world won't end and my friends won't leave.  laughter is the solution to everything, i've decided.  in 20 years, this lesson plan REALLY isn't going to matter -- but my friendship will.

lovin' my speddies all the way from across campus! :)

thank you, bruno mars.

today i don't feel like doing anything
i just wanna lay in my bed
don't feel like picking up my phone,
so leave a message at the tone
'cause today i swear i'm not doing anything

i love special education.

i have opened this window many times in the last week.  i had great dreams of writing some meaningful posts about Waiting for Superman or the mandatory meeting my house is having.  big posts about responsibility.  and yet now, when i am choosing to write, is when i have something that doesn't require a lot of intense thought.  so welcome to my brain right now...

i am sitting in the curriculum library.  it is my home away from home this semester.  all of us crazy education majors get together to write lesson plans, complain about workloads, embrace each other's uniqueness, and laugh at the silly things the school-aged children say.

right now, there are four people here: myself, someone i was supposed to graduate with, someone who transferred to the school, and a fellow sped major.  it makes me think of the journeys we all take to get to where we are today.  there have most likely been paths with road blocks and speed bumps.  and today, i've made the conscious effort to embrace those imperfections.

i am incredibly blessed by my fellow DEPS and Spedettes.  they are the few that have kept me moving forward, laughing through the misery and working through the stress and sleeplessness.  i can't imagine life without these amazing people (and their whacked out sense of humor)!

three.

it's the third birthday that i have seen pass without celebration let alone mention.  it's easier that way.  fail to mention it to the others hurting and living in chose oblivion just seems to be better -- easier.  it's to the point that the day arrives and i wonder, if not for the reminder on my phone, would i notice?  i tell myself i would.  i have to.

today was not a bad day.  i was productive.  i got work done.  i enjoyed the company of friends -- most blissfully unaware that anything was happening.  no one wants negative people around and therefore, i tried very hard not to mention it except to select few -- those who tolerate me because they have to.

i understand.  just like i sometimes need to handle it, others handle it the same.  they have to because they've never experienced the pain it entails and they don't wish to add insult to injury.  i get it.  and today i embraced that fact and loved it, something i can't say often. 

it's hard to believe it's been three birthdays.  hmph.