brighter life.

it was the third day of third grade.  i remember it being hotter than hades outside and i just wanted to go to the pool.  in the neighborhood i grew up in, there was a pool for the community right up the street.  my mom wasn't home but i knew she wouldn't mind if i went to the pool anyways -- i had lived there all summer.  i called my best friend to see if she wanted to ride bikes.  of course she said yes, but only if the new girl could come. 

great, i thought!  a new friend.  i was young and naive.  i didn't realize people had the power to truly hurt someone.  instead, i was so excited to have a new playmate in the 'hood (is it okay if i call it that?).  someone to call to hang out and enjoy my time with. 

unfortunately, my dreams for the afternoon were shattered.  i got to my best friend's house (a five mintue ride), when my mother called.  my grandma died.  this was to be expected and if i were older, i suppose i would have seen it coming.  not only did she have paranoid schitzophrenia, she was dying of terminal cancer (which i later came to find out took the lives of a few of her siblings as well).  thankfully, i was blissfully unaware of her ailments and i loved her with the unconditional love of a child. 

a few days passed and i retreated.  i see this behavior in me today, still.  if there is something unpleasant, i'd prefer to hide from all my troubles.  i didn't want to hang out with friends.  i didn't socialize on the playground at school.  i sat in the front of the bus with all the other dorky kids that never said anything.  i wanted to run away.  at the same time, i thought that my friends would always be there for me.  my mom was.  i yelled at her all the time but she never left me.  my dad was always there too.  no matter what i said to make him angry, he never abandoned me.

so when halloween came, i was devastated to learn that i didn't have anyone to go trick-or-treating with.  i didn't have a friend to be twins with or thing 1 and thing 2 or tigger and pooh.  no.  i learned that my best friend no longer liked me.  not only did she not like me anymore, she had a new best friend that told her not to like me.  and she listened.  i remember hopping in the car after school that day (we had half days for halloween parades the friday of halloween every year and it was tradition for my mom to pick me up -- a special treat!) and sobbing to my mom.  "nobody likes me.  everybody hates me.  guess i'll go eat worms."  verbatim.  that's what i said.

now, i know that that was irrational.  i have friends.  i had friends besides my neighborhood best friend.  but i was absolutely devastated.  and that feeling of loss and devestation clings with me today.  i am constantly worried about offending those i call friends, upsetting them.  i'm scared of getting in huge fights and losing them.  this shocks many, i know.  i'm good at playing the tough girl act that's not afraid to stand up to people but truth is: i'm a pansy.  after every argument i may have with a friend i start to let my mind wander to that dark place -- will they leave me?

a few months ago, i was sitting around and talking with my best friend from back in those days.  once middle school passed we were able to rekindle our friendship.  she no longer talks to the "new girl."  the "new girl" hurt her pretty badly.  while this doesn't surprise me, i think there is an important lesson for everyone to learn -- the newest things/people/trends are not always the best.  i think it is easy to get ourselves caught in any of the roles mentioned above, the loved one, the new one, and the lost one, but it is important to remember that all humans have feelings.  we all have thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and emotions.  what you see on the outside is not everything happening on the inside. 

it's a rough lesson to learn, to grasp, and to process.  i work on it everyday and yet i still catch myself playing the role of all of these characters.  it's always a sticky situation.  therefore, as awful as it sounds i have learned to watch out for myself.  i have to do what keeps me happy and content with myself.  i only have one Person to answer to and it is no one that is walking this earth with me right now.  there will be judgements, falling outs, etc., but there are brighter things that lay ahead.