tarzan!

I'm missing this critter right about now!

foggy?

it's foggy outside. really foggy. eerily foggy. foggy to the point that i wouldn't walk outside alone. it has taken over everything. it is a blanket over the chaos of this world and for once, it seems silent. there is something about fog that is so nice. i love fog in the morning, a fresh reminder of a new day and clean slate. and that has me thinking...

maybe this fog is to clean the slate tonight. i went to dinner. i spent 3 hours venting about anything and everything. i rolled my eyes at a few things, glared at a few people, pretended to vomit when i saw some girls. i'm hoping this fog is God's way of saying, "you are forgiven." 'cause we all know i could really use forgiveness.

i'm really needing God right now. i'm desperate to find Him everywhere and i think this intentional thinking has been good for my soul. it is so easy to mark things off as coincidence or luck, but God has a hand in these things and sometimes i just need a reminder.

dear God,
thanks for your reminders, even if they do come in the form of eerie fog.
love, me

who are you?

What is is it that you stand for? What is something you are passionate about? Do you have a strong opinion about something that you just won't change?

I hope the answer is "yes" to at least one of those questions. While it may be unhealthy to take any of these situations to the extreme, I believe it is an important part of life.

I stand for adoption. I love it. I have three cousins that are adopted and I love each of them for their quirky personality and their differences. I couldn't imagine my life without them as a part of my family. While I understand adoption is something that isn't right for everyone, I believe that God has a heart for the orphan and I feel that I will most likely adopt.

Six years ago, I came up with the perfect idea to start a orphanage run by myself and cousins. I was going to be the teacher, one cousin was going to design the building, another be the nurse, a third be the social worker, so on and so forth. It all works so well with all our callings and I love that. It is a dream that I hope one day can be fulfilled.

In the meantime though, I feel strongly about having a definite opinion. The past year I have really struggled with trying to pin down what it is that sets me off about one of my friends. Love the person to pieces, but there has just been something that has been driving me batty. And today, it hit me...

They appear to be so uneducated/inexperienced with so many life issues that they believe anything that is presented to them. When we have conversations, I feel as though I am being fed exactly what they think I want to hear. I can not recall a single serious conversation I have ever had with them. It's all trivial about what was read on the internet or heard on MTV. I've never heard them talk about a class they like or anything that they feel strongly about.

To a degree, I'm sad. I want them to have that passion in life. That one thing that they strive to achieve. I want them to experience the love for a class or a calling that I do. Who knows, maybe they do and they just don't know how to express it. I understand that what I desire isn't what everyone else desires. If everyone in the world became a Special Ed teacher with a heart for the orphan, well, there wouldn't be a need for a Special Ed teacher. There would be no orphans. I understand that we are all different.

But, please, have an opinion. Be passionate about something. Get comfortable in your own skin and let me learn a little something about you. Just you. Plain old you. Not the you that you want me to think you are. I don't like that person.

minor addiction.

does the exact time matter?

Last night, when I fell asleep I kept debating whether or not I wanted to be awake for the exact time he passed away or if I'd feel better if I just slept through it. Should I set my alarm?

I decided against setting an alarm. Instead, I prayed to God to make it clear which would be better for me. It sounds flaky, but I did. It was the only thing that made sense to do.

I woke up a few minutes before.

It was interesting, to say the least. I was pretty surprised given a) how late I went to bed last night and b) how sick I am. But, I was awake and aware of everything going on.

I remember asking my mom if he had passed yet. Everyone in the family was surrounding my dad's bed and the nurse had the screen tilted so we couldn't see it. My uncle was sharing his favorite memories from their childhood and it was instantly obvious.

My mom hadn't noticed, but to me it was clear as day. He was gone. That was not my dad in the bed. Somehow, that made it easier to let go. He looked drastically different.

It's interesting how those memories are some that I'd like to fade (for the most part) and yet they are still so incredibly vivid. Oh what the mind will do...

one year.

In some ways, it's hard to believe it's been a year. There are so many memories that seem like just yesterday. I can relive this day last year over and over in my head with very few blurry moments. There were so many ugly things about the day, besides the obvious. The weather was atrocious, the nurse should have been let go, the chaplain deserved a stern talking to, etc. When it rains, it pours... right? Or should I say: when it snows, it blizzards.

This past year has taught me a lot about grieving. Maybe this sounds morbid, but growing up I used to always picture what it would be like to lose a sibling or parent. I suppose it's because my uncle passed away very young and his kids never really knew him. I always pictured crying every time I thought of them. When my mom talked about her mom (who has been dead for over 30 years), I always wondered why she didn't cry. Since my dad has died though, I could count the number of times I've cried about it on one hand.

I have been affected in so many other ways. I feel the sadness and loss without outwardly expressing it. I have days where I can't get out of bed, I just lay and think of Dad. I wonder what it would have been like for him to walk me down the aisle, have grandkids, etc. Sometimes I think of all the things I could say to certain staff members at the hospital, plan out these evil letters I'd write, etc. My memory is gone. I don't retain any information. I have to work a lot harder in class to concentrate, remember material, etc.

Many times, I've found my friends getting frustrated with me. They think I'm using it as an excuse. They think they know where I'm coming from and don't see why I'm not over it yet. I don't think it's ever something you get over though. It's not a matter of getting over it, but moving through it. I'm working on it. I'm trying. I have started to work a lot on myself, who I'm becoming, who I associate myself with, how I look at situations, how I react to stressers. I still have a lot of work to do. I know this. I'm trying.

Today is going to be a long day...

the rough terrain.

Grief is a funky terrain to navigate. It's constantly changing, never the same, foggy in places, and clear as day in others. Sometimes it's a walk through the park while other times it is an uphill climb forever and ever and ever. Occasionally, you may come to a stream -- feel refreshed, rejuvinated, replenished with enough energy to make it but sometimes the creeks run dry.

Tricky, huh? If you were even able to follow the analogy...

But seriously, I'm laying here in bed with so many thoughts going through my head. I have so many different emotions coursing through my veins and yet, I can't seem to use my words. It's funny though, because all this week -- my friend and I have been forcing each other to use our words. Hmph. I fail, Katherine.

Right now? I'm a combination of... frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, relieved, annoyed, disappointed, anxious, confused, jealous, optimistic, regretful, neglected, and happy. All that right there leads me to being tired, exhausted, and sick.

Therefore, I'll go into more detail tomorrow. G'night.