one year.

In some ways, it's hard to believe it's been a year. There are so many memories that seem like just yesterday. I can relive this day last year over and over in my head with very few blurry moments. There were so many ugly things about the day, besides the obvious. The weather was atrocious, the nurse should have been let go, the chaplain deserved a stern talking to, etc. When it rains, it pours... right? Or should I say: when it snows, it blizzards.

This past year has taught me a lot about grieving. Maybe this sounds morbid, but growing up I used to always picture what it would be like to lose a sibling or parent. I suppose it's because my uncle passed away very young and his kids never really knew him. I always pictured crying every time I thought of them. When my mom talked about her mom (who has been dead for over 30 years), I always wondered why she didn't cry. Since my dad has died though, I could count the number of times I've cried about it on one hand.

I have been affected in so many other ways. I feel the sadness and loss without outwardly expressing it. I have days where I can't get out of bed, I just lay and think of Dad. I wonder what it would have been like for him to walk me down the aisle, have grandkids, etc. Sometimes I think of all the things I could say to certain staff members at the hospital, plan out these evil letters I'd write, etc. My memory is gone. I don't retain any information. I have to work a lot harder in class to concentrate, remember material, etc.

Many times, I've found my friends getting frustrated with me. They think I'm using it as an excuse. They think they know where I'm coming from and don't see why I'm not over it yet. I don't think it's ever something you get over though. It's not a matter of getting over it, but moving through it. I'm working on it. I'm trying. I have started to work a lot on myself, who I'm becoming, who I associate myself with, how I look at situations, how I react to stressers. I still have a lot of work to do. I know this. I'm trying.

Today is going to be a long day...