rest in peace.

i will never understand.
why now?
why so soon?
why so young?
why them?

there are so many things rushing through my head.

should've gotten to know her.
should've talked to her more often.
should've written her a thank you.

should've. should've. should've.

wish death wasn't a fact of life. reality is: it really isn't. it's just the transition to eternal paradise.

our brother and sister in Christ have gone because they were ready. they were living life. he was doing what he loved and she was out enjoying herself, i'm sure. it's all in God's timing and whether i like it or not, he's got it all figured out. i must rest easy tonight knowing that God has not abandoned his children of Hope but only pulled us closer to him. He is the Shepard of his sheep.

the future.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. - Psalm 5:3

there is something great about the new year: the mystery of the future, the hope of what is to come. yet i still couldn't bring myself to get moving. the reality is, i'm probably just suffering from depression. yes, 2010 may hold great memories and progress, but it is a time that dad will never know. dad was never a part of this decade, this year. every change in my life since february 27, 2009 until the day i die is going to bring those feelings though, so i must learn to manage these emotions now.

the new year doesn't have to be depressing. there is hope of what is to come. tomorrow is another day. monday is a new week. february will be a new month. i love that. i love being able to look towards the future. i think it is a great gift God has given us. God's time is undefined, yet he has given us a human measurement and that sense of hope. and that is why i'm starting today. because yesterday wasn't great, but today is much more uplifting. it's never too late to start a resolution because every day is a new day. everyday when i wake up, i need to thank God for the day i have been blessed with and lay my concerns and expectations out there. as a human, i expect things -- even if they aren't fair. God is all knowing, omnipotent, and able to handle anything i throw at Him.

so i end with my favorite quote from today's (or should i say "yesterday's") devotional: "Without him, our lives stretch out to a hopeless end. With him we have the endless hope of a heavenly tomorrow."

what is hope?

what is "hope"?

my friends and i would argue that it's a college. it's a couple acres of land, some cool buildings, and the recipient of thousands of my dollars. hope is the holder of many memories (whether pleasant or not) and hopefully of many more to come. it is a second home and a safe haven.

it's an uplifting sensation that gives me the motivation to move forward in life, to put one foot in front of the other, and get out of bed each morning. hope plasters a smile on my face in moments when i'd rather just cry, pull my hair out, or scream into my pillow. it is a change of behavior and a new look at life.

as sheila walsh says, "hope requires more than simply clicking red shoes or crossing our fingers. it is a sweet and magnificent benefit of walking with Christ. hope looks at all that is true about the present, lifts the circumstances of life into the tender, loving hands of God -- and exhales in trust."

it's Christmas time!

Put your problems on probation

Run your troubles off the track,

Throw your worries out the window

Get the monkeys off your back.

Silence all your inner critics

With your conscience make amends,

And allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

Call a truce with those who bother you

Let all the fighting cease,

Give your differences a breather

And declare a time of peace,

Don't let angry feelings taint

The precious time you have to spend,

And allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

Like some cool refreshing water

Or a gentle summer breeze,

Like a fresh bouquet of flowers

Or the smell of autumn leaves,

It's a banquet for the spirit

Filled with family, food and friends,

So allow yourself some happiness

It's Christmas time again!

--Bob Lazzar-Atwood

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

and the countdown begins.

so uneasy. so excited. so nervous. so anxious. so upset. so happy. so crazy. so dumb. so exhausted.

...less than 24 hours. ughhhhhhhh.

sync in progress.

sync in progress.

everytime i plug my phone in, that is what it tells me. usually it bothers me. it pops up just as i'm about to do something or seems to stay forever. this morning though, i find it comforting. and it is this comfort that has led me to believe "sync in progress" should be my motto for this year.

i feel so off. i'm not taking a lot of classes. i'm behind on pretty much everything in my life. i'm having a hard time fighting this sinus infection. i'm grieving. i meet with 2 different people every week to make sure i don't go crazy.

this semester is just not ideal. then again, what is "ideal"? i suppose it is a defined by society. what does society deem as "normal" or "ideal"? definitely not my life right now. but then i just plug in my phone and i'm reminded...

sync in progress.

that's what this semester is. i'm getting my ducks in a row. i'm sorting and stapling. i'm figuring this whole "life" thing out. i'm asking the hard questions. i'm working through the rough times. it's not fun. it's not easy. but it has to happen and i'm glad i'm surrounded by the people i am to help me. i think they are a pretty stellar bunch.

so while i try to figure this crazy thing out, i'll just continue to take comfort in my iphone. let's be real -- sometimes i forget i don't need my iphone to breathe. and as it helps me to breathe, it can help me remember my motto this year:

[[sync in progress]]

7:15 am

Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.
Why can't the tone at least be deep?
Beep, Beep! Beep!
The cerebrospinal fluid seeps.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.