unsure.

There are so many interesting stories you learn from sitting in hospital waiting rooms day in and day out. We met many families of lung transplant patients, heart transplant patients, device patients. The stories were heartbreaking but miraculous as well.

There was one woman that I got to know very well throughout the weeks. Her husband received an artificial heart a couple weeks before Dad had been moved to that unit. There were many times that the unit would be shut down for medical emergencies and visitors were asked to leave. During those times, we would sit and talk about our different journeys with our loved ones in the hospital.

She is this little firecracker. She is 4'11" but I wouldn't dare cross her path when she is mad. That woman knows how to defend herself and she is quick with her words. There were many times that I wished I was able to respond that quickly and with such great, witty remarks.

Her husband is 6'6". He received his artificial heart just days before Christmas and was doing alright. Unfortunately, he was having issues with blood pressure and they had him on a high dose of Prop to help him. Prop cuts off blood flow to extremities in order to maintain a high enough blood pressure in your trunk. Therefore, his wife had to make the difficult decision while he was still heavily sedated and intubated, to have his one leg amputated just below the knee.

To make matters worse, he had a mild stroke and lost vision in one eye. Eventually, he was moved from the ICU unit to a regular nursing floor. He wasn't allowed to leave the hospital with the artificial heart because he literally had NO heart in his body and needed to be in a highly monitored setting. He was able to get a prosthesis and start learning to walk when...

He started to bleed excessively from the rectum and they learned that he had malignant tumors in his colon. Concerned that the cancer might have spread to the lymph nodes, they removed the tumors and a couple weeks later, went back and did a biopsy of the lymph nodes which came back negative.

He went on the heart transplant list on April 5th and was transplanted April 9th. When I finally got word from his wife that he got a heart, I could not stop smiling! Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way for my dad, but it is refreshing to know that not everyone has to suffer like we are now!

Something I didn't know before Dad went on the transplant list is this: you can't transplant a babies heart into a grown man. It isn't like the heart can grow to accomodate like other organs can. The heart needs to come from someone of comparable size and needs to be the same blood type. You can imagine how difficult it is to find a heart donor that is 6'6"-ish. In addition, while other organ transplants are up in numbers, heart donors have remained the same. Many families are able to make the decision to donate a loved one's organs after they witness the heart stop beating but can not emotionally make the decision when their loved one is only brain dead.

Though everyone's journeys through the hospital setting are always different and the outcomes are never quite the same, I feel blessed to have met those families -- especially the one talked about above. I am so anxious to get back up to the hospital and see them before the leave for home. They became a part of my reality for so long that my life feels weird without seeing them everyday. There are nurses I'd love to see too.

Part of me isn't ready though. All those rooms look the same and one of those rooms is the last place I saw my dad. I'm bound to encounter nurses who took care of my dad no matter where I walk and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it all yet. Please pray for me. Maybe it is part of the healing process by going. Maybe it will finally sink in that Dad really isn't physically here anymore and I can start the healing process. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure about my future, about where I stand in various friendships, about whether I am making sound decisions or not. I'm just unsure.

invisible children.

This is definitely something everyone needs to check out.

http://www.therescue.invisiblechildren.com/

I am way behind the times on getting the word out there. I sat down and finally checked out a link that my friends had sent to me time and time again. I should have done it forever ago.

Sometimes, it is so easy to get caught up in the every day to day happenings in our life that we forget the big picture. There is constantly 3o minutes here or there throughout the day to sit down and check our favorite websites or watch our favorite shows. Here in the States, we have access to so many things the rest of the world doesn't and it is so easy to take advantage of it.

Today, I spent a half an hour watching a video about children in Africa. My heart is breaking for these children and what they are forced to go through day after day after day. They have been robbed of their childhood and forced to see and do things I hope I never have to witness. It needs to stop!

On April 25, 2009 Invisible Children is hosting the RESCUE, a rally in 100 cities across 10 countries, to bring attention to the plight of the children abducted and forced to fight as soldiers in Central East Africa. For the past 23 years, the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) and the Government of Uganda (GoU) have been waging a war that has left nearly two million innocent civilians caught in the middle. It is time for governments and international bodies to develop a strategy and support existing efforts to rescue the child soldiers abducted by the LRA.

This past Christmas many of us spent time with our families and exchanged gifts. We spent times under roofs, enjoyed wonderful meals, and many expanded their earthly possessions. Meanwhile, in Uganda on Christmas Day, 620 people were massacred and 160 children were abducted. Did you know that? Did you ever hear about that? I hadn't.

Check out the website. There are some awesome things going on to help put a stop to the war. If you are able to, check out a rally in a town near you. Write letters to famous celebrities, politicians, friends, and family and make them aware of what is going on. There are t-shirts for sale on the website to help you make a statement if you are someone who is uncomfortable verbally sharing your opinion. You can make monetary donations to help as well.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

I truly believe that the people at Invisible Children are trying to do just that: preach good news to the poor and help free the captives. It isn't a Christian organization but you don't have to be a Christian to make a difference. Although being a Christian is really super awesome (and you should look into the Bible -- you won't regret it)!

I pray for all of those in Northern Uganda. I pray for the children who have been abducted and lost their innocence. I pray for the families of those children who mourn the loss of their child, not knowing whether their child is still alive or not. I pray that those families and children are able to know the Way, the Truth, and the Life; that there is a God that will not leave them nor forsake them. There is hope!

It is so easy to let it slide and leave it for someone else to do. In this day and age we expect instant gratification and after all, one person isn't going to make the difference. One person isn't going to be able to stop the war -- right? But if a bunch of "one person" people get together, there can be a huge impact and the more people involved, the faster there can be a solution.

Those children need to know that there are people fighting for them and they are not alone. Are you ready to do something to help? I'm already on my way...

overwhelmed.

I've been back from California for over a week now.  It was an awesome trip.  It was so nice to "escape" the immediate reminders of an awfully empty house.  The weather wasn't warm but it was very sunny so, I can't complain too much.  Our hotel room had an ocean view and someone nicely paid for us to receive anonymous amenities every day.  We did some touristy stuff, but more than anything simply enjoyed the different atmosphere.  A lot of family friends were there as well, and we enjoyed catching up with everyone.

On one day, they had a luncheon simply dedicated to Dad.  They went around from table to table and people were able to share their favorite memories of him.  It is funny how many different perspectives and memories their were.  Many memories recalled helped unlock deeper memories within me as well.  It was very sweet.  Thankfully, they taped it too so we can go back and watch it as many times as we want.  :)

Since we've been home from vacation though, things have begun to get crazy.  All the sudden it feels like nothing is under control anymore and I've become a bit of a watering pot.  Cleaning out drawers and cabinets and shelves just brings back many more memories.  There are a lot of repairs around the house that need to be tended too immediately, and then there is all the financial stuff that needs to be figured out -- yesterday.

For the first month I was numb.  It was just go, go, go and tons of stuff got taken care of.  We went on vacation to simply relax and did so successfully; now that we're back -- it's all consuming and a little bit crazy to say the least.

I'm simply overwhelmed.