sync in progress.

sync in progress.

everytime i plug my phone in, that is what it tells me. usually it bothers me. it pops up just as i'm about to do something or seems to stay forever. this morning though, i find it comforting. and it is this comfort that has led me to believe "sync in progress" should be my motto for this year.

i feel so off. i'm not taking a lot of classes. i'm behind on pretty much everything in my life. i'm having a hard time fighting this sinus infection. i'm grieving. i meet with 2 different people every week to make sure i don't go crazy.

this semester is just not ideal. then again, what is "ideal"? i suppose it is a defined by society. what does society deem as "normal" or "ideal"? definitely not my life right now. but then i just plug in my phone and i'm reminded...

sync in progress.

that's what this semester is. i'm getting my ducks in a row. i'm sorting and stapling. i'm figuring this whole "life" thing out. i'm asking the hard questions. i'm working through the rough times. it's not fun. it's not easy. but it has to happen and i'm glad i'm surrounded by the people i am to help me. i think they are a pretty stellar bunch.

so while i try to figure this crazy thing out, i'll just continue to take comfort in my iphone. let's be real -- sometimes i forget i don't need my iphone to breathe. and as it helps me to breathe, it can help me remember my motto this year:

[[sync in progress]]

7:15 am

Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.
Why can't the tone at least be deep?
Beep, Beep! Beep!
The cerebrospinal fluid seeps.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Beep, beep! Beep!
I'm losing my sweet grip.

not much to say.

I have a lot to say but nothing at all. So I'll leave the post with this poem printed in the bulliten at my father's memorial service.

In the bulb there is a flower;

In the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise:

Butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter;

There's a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

There's a song in every silence,

Seeking word and melody;

There's a dawn in every darkness,

Bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future;

What it holds, a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning;

In our time, infinity.

In our doubt, there is believing;

In our life, eternity.

In our death, a resurrection;

At the last, a victory

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

Rest in peace, Adella. Rest in peace.

growing up free.

I think growing up is an interesting adventure for everyone. As I'm sure with every sibling rivalry, being the youngest and the only girl meant that I was not only stupid because I was too young but I was also stupid because I was a girl. I could never say the right thing, listen to the right music, or intelligently contribute to any conversation. Of course, this isn't true - or so I keep telling myself. I think I've been able to do a few things right in my time. And, in the end, my brother's were able to "convert" me to their favorite music (kinda)!

I like to think I listen to a wide variety of music. Looking at the playlist I often play, I have Ace of Base and All-American Rejects, Aretha Franklin and the Beatles, Rent and Hairspray, Bon Jovi, High School Musical, Shania Twain, etc. I listen to everything. Laugh at me if you will, but some of the most relaxing music that I love to listen to the most is Celtic Woman. It's old people music (or so my brothers continually tell me) but those girls have outstanding voices. They are so pure and quiet and peaceful.

Before my dad passed away, my parents had offered to host my cousin's wedding reception. As a hostess gift, my cousin and her husband gave my mom two tickets to the Celtic Woman concert. My mom, dad, and I had gone to their first concert a couple years ago and my mom has been dying to go again. They are phenomenal in concert. While there, the released their song: O, America.

Music: William Joseph

Words: Brendan Graham

O, America you’re calling,

I can hear you calling me:

You are calling me to be true to thee,

True to thee… I will be.

O, America no weeping,

Let me heal your wounded heart:

I will keep you in my keeping,

Till there be… a new start.

And I will answer you, and I will take your hand,

And lead you… to the sun:

And I will stand by you…do all that I can do,

And we will be… as one.

O, America I hear you,

From your prairies to the sea,

From your mountains grand, and all through this land,

You are beautiful to me.

And… O, America you’re calling,

I can hear you calling me:

You are calling me to be true to thee,

True to thee… I will be.

And I will answer you, and I will take your hand,

And lead you… to the sun:

And I will stand by you… do all that I can do,

And we will be…as one.

O, America you’re calling…

I will ever answer thee.

The lyrics are what I'm all about too. I am so sick of people recently complaining about this, that, and the other; about how the world is going to hell in a hand basket and America is going to be the one leading. The US has so much to offer and I am so thankful to be living here. I love the freedom I am able to enjoy and I applaud those with the courage to fight for those freedoms. The land is beautiful and the opportunities wonderful (although currently dwindling).

I am proud to be American.

*end rant and end random post*

history [in the making...]

Updated:

I just read on the same blog mentioned below that a fellow blogger passed away. I'd been praying for her for a while now. She was the mother of 10 kids and had been fighting a good battle with cancer. Please keep her husband and children in your prayers. I know they could use it right now! It's hard to believe I was in there place just 5 months ago. It's hard to wrap the mind around...

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Original Post:

This morning is a huge day. Bill Clinton has successfully rescued two journalists from North Korea and they are just arriving home. Not going to lie, I was a little concerned about his trip over there. I was skeptical he would be able to do it. And in the end, I should eat my words because he was successful. Watching them reuinte with their families is a very emotional/exciting thing and I am glad to be a part of it (and by that, I mean -- able to watch it play by play on the Today show)! Seriously, I'm sitting here on the bed with tears coming down my face. I can't imagine not seeing my family for 4 1/2 months, thinking it'd be 11 1/2 more years and spending it in a foreign country half way around the world. It's crazy to think about. It is definitely an important part of the United States and will be a part of our history.

And it's really interesting: my mother always tells me that I have seen more devestation than she ever has. One crazy lady from church keeps telling me the end of the world is coming any day because of all the devastation in the last several years. But, looking back on history - my parents saw a lot of devastation as well. They witnessed the Korean War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Brown v. Board of Education and the Civil Rights Movement, John F. Kennedy Assassination, Vietnam War, Martin Luther King, Jr. Assassination, Roe v. Wade, 1973 Oil Crisis, and Watergate. My parents saw a lot in their childhood/young adulthood. (I stopped their timeline shortly before they started having children).

In my life, there has been the first (Desert Storm) and second Iraqi War, the dot com bubble, and the 2001 terrorist attacks. I'm sure there will be more to come in my lifetime (unfortunately or fortunately?) but it is crazy to see that the world and society is always evolving. Maybe all the devastation wasn't as public to my parents or maybe they were sheltered but bad (and good) things still happened back then. Life isn't suddenly going to Hell in a hand basket as some would like you to believe, but negative things do continue to happen.

So what can we do? I, personally, do not want to sit back and just witness bad things happen. I want to make a difference. I blogged about The Rescue in April held by the organization Invisible Children. Invisible Children dot com is trying to spread the word of the children soldiers in Northern Uganda. Check it out -- you won't regret it. Another thing I wanted to bring to my readers' attention (all what? one or two of you?) is some more devastation in Africa. I follow a blog of a Christian mother of many and find a lot of comfort in her messages and she just posted about the abduction of 4 boys in Uganda. Check her blog post out. These poor boys are believed to have been kidnapped to be used in child trafficking. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

What makes the news today doesn't even touch the iceberg of what is happening in the world today. Thankfully, the media is drawing attention to some things - the war in Iraq, kidnapped reporters, economic struggles everywhere. Even more, thankfully there are organizations like Invisible Children trying to gain the publicity with the media of the struggle in Northern Uganda. I am itching to make a difference in this world and even though I may not have any idea yet on how, I know I can pray. I can pray for the hurt, the suffering, the grieving, the orphan, the homeless, the hungry. It's a start - a pretty good one I think. We'll see where I go from there...

This blogger brought the following scripture to my attention and it totally fits. Check it out:

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'  37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'  40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:34-40

michael jackson

Today is July 7th. I'm sitting in the guest room watching the memorial service for Michael Jackson for a history class, but for my own sake too. There are so many mixed feelings across the country - the world - about his death. His life is forever tainted by molestation allegations.

One senator from New York made a statement that it was disgusting that over the 4th, people were thinking of Michael Jackson instead of thinking of the troops. As someone who fully supports the troops and what they sacrifice for this country, I have to believe in the freedom and the court system that the United States has and those soldiers fight for.

Michael Jackson was never found guilty of any of those charges. In the first trial, the case was dismissed because they didn't even have enough evidence - that would be because the kid has since come forward and admitted he lied because his dad needed the money. He was acquitted in the second trial as well. Because of this, as a fellow American, I must assume he is innocent.

His contribution to the music industry is unprecedented. He integrated MTV with his music video "Beat It." He was a trailblazer bringing black soul music to a crowd that normally wouldn't listen. He reached people of all ages. He revolutionized dance as well with his signiture moves like the moon walk and those crazy Thriller moves.

Michael Jackson will be sorely missed but I look forward to passing on his music legacy to future generations by continuing to enjoy is unique musical style.

unsure.

There are so many interesting stories you learn from sitting in hospital waiting rooms day in and day out. We met many families of lung transplant patients, heart transplant patients, device patients. The stories were heartbreaking but miraculous as well.

There was one woman that I got to know very well throughout the weeks. Her husband received an artificial heart a couple weeks before Dad had been moved to that unit. There were many times that the unit would be shut down for medical emergencies and visitors were asked to leave. During those times, we would sit and talk about our different journeys with our loved ones in the hospital.

She is this little firecracker. She is 4'11" but I wouldn't dare cross her path when she is mad. That woman knows how to defend herself and she is quick with her words. There were many times that I wished I was able to respond that quickly and with such great, witty remarks.

Her husband is 6'6". He received his artificial heart just days before Christmas and was doing alright. Unfortunately, he was having issues with blood pressure and they had him on a high dose of Prop to help him. Prop cuts off blood flow to extremities in order to maintain a high enough blood pressure in your trunk. Therefore, his wife had to make the difficult decision while he was still heavily sedated and intubated, to have his one leg amputated just below the knee.

To make matters worse, he had a mild stroke and lost vision in one eye. Eventually, he was moved from the ICU unit to a regular nursing floor. He wasn't allowed to leave the hospital with the artificial heart because he literally had NO heart in his body and needed to be in a highly monitored setting. He was able to get a prosthesis and start learning to walk when...

He started to bleed excessively from the rectum and they learned that he had malignant tumors in his colon. Concerned that the cancer might have spread to the lymph nodes, they removed the tumors and a couple weeks later, went back and did a biopsy of the lymph nodes which came back negative.

He went on the heart transplant list on April 5th and was transplanted April 9th. When I finally got word from his wife that he got a heart, I could not stop smiling! Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way for my dad, but it is refreshing to know that not everyone has to suffer like we are now!

Something I didn't know before Dad went on the transplant list is this: you can't transplant a babies heart into a grown man. It isn't like the heart can grow to accomodate like other organs can. The heart needs to come from someone of comparable size and needs to be the same blood type. You can imagine how difficult it is to find a heart donor that is 6'6"-ish. In addition, while other organ transplants are up in numbers, heart donors have remained the same. Many families are able to make the decision to donate a loved one's organs after they witness the heart stop beating but can not emotionally make the decision when their loved one is only brain dead.

Though everyone's journeys through the hospital setting are always different and the outcomes are never quite the same, I feel blessed to have met those families -- especially the one talked about above. I am so anxious to get back up to the hospital and see them before the leave for home. They became a part of my reality for so long that my life feels weird without seeing them everyday. There are nurses I'd love to see too.

Part of me isn't ready though. All those rooms look the same and one of those rooms is the last place I saw my dad. I'm bound to encounter nurses who took care of my dad no matter where I walk and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it all yet. Please pray for me. Maybe it is part of the healing process by going. Maybe it will finally sink in that Dad really isn't physically here anymore and I can start the healing process. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure about my future, about where I stand in various friendships, about whether I am making sound decisions or not. I'm just unsure.