dance marathon.

dance marathon is over. 24 hours of standing. mediocre music. unidentifiable food. camp games. anything to pass the time. but all of it dedicated to raising money for children that spend time in the hospital. it doesn't matter how tired you get, how badly your feet hurt, if its sunny outside or night. it all pales in comparison to what the miracle children have been through.

i didn't participate all 24 hours. i went for a few hours here and there. it wasn't until the last eight hours that i forced myself to stay. it didn't matter that my feet hurt. or i was tired. the point of the marathon was not about how miserable i was. the meaning of dance marathon goes deeper than that. unfortunately, it took about 22 hours for the concept to truly sink in.

there is something bigger and better out there than me. than the school i attend. there is hurt out there that goes deeper than anything i've experienced. my life is really quite peachy. i wasn't shaken by a care provider, my child wasn't either. i didn't have a brain tumor removed from my head that was the size of a baseball by age 3. i've never been hospitalized.

listening to several miracle children and their families speak throughout the 24 hours reminded me of the care my dad received in the hospital. he had doctors and nurses that were out-of-this-world awesome and accommodating. it was rough for a grown man to be hospitalized and yet, these kids have known hospitalizations from a very early age.

there is only so much that bricks and mortar can do. the quality of a hospital stay is determined by the personalities, minds, and hearts of doctors, nurses, food services, chaplains, security personnel, valets, etc. unfortunately, all of these things cost money. i remember the cost of my dad's hospital stay. it was outrageous. and yet some of these kids have had multiple hospital stays as long as his. THEN it sank in.

how much money do i spend at the grocery store every week? do i really need that people magazine? how often do i stop for fast food? how many movies have i bought just because they were five dollars? my money could go a lot further if i didn't spend it on myself. there are so many better causes to spend it on and ultimately, i'd probably be happier.

just a lot to think about. so many things i want to help with. i don't know where to start, how to help to the best of my ability. it's been a good week and i'm forever grateful for the reminders i've received. and to think, i learned so much while hanging out with some awesome friends. :)

trouble sleeping.

It's late and I'm feeling so tired

Having trouble sleeping.

This constant compromise

Between thinking and breathing.

Corrine Bailey Rae

love.

stand.

Open dark eyes when it gets so late
When the light feels heavy, but the thought can't wait
Stand.

Light an old candle, with a pinhead wick
A blanket in hand on the floor you sit
Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
Cause this is life, you are living it right now

An overcast Sunday and a grocery sack
Splashing through puddles on a long walk back
Stand.

You're stopped for a moment while a hearse rolls by
You shed a few tears but you don't know why
Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
Cause this is life, you are living it right now

So won't you Stand.

Go on and tell yourself stories when the sleep won't fall
When you think you hear steps at the end of the hall
Let yourself shiver when the night gets cold
When you whisper goodbye but you can't let go
Won't you Stand.
Won't you Stand.

Breathe in, breathe out loud
This is life, you are living it right now
This is life, we are living it right now
This is life, we are living it...

Let yourself go in the songs you sing,
Let them move you to love, or stop you to think...

--Beau Bristow

tarzan!

I'm missing this critter right about now!

foggy?

it's foggy outside. really foggy. eerily foggy. foggy to the point that i wouldn't walk outside alone. it has taken over everything. it is a blanket over the chaos of this world and for once, it seems silent. there is something about fog that is so nice. i love fog in the morning, a fresh reminder of a new day and clean slate. and that has me thinking...

maybe this fog is to clean the slate tonight. i went to dinner. i spent 3 hours venting about anything and everything. i rolled my eyes at a few things, glared at a few people, pretended to vomit when i saw some girls. i'm hoping this fog is God's way of saying, "you are forgiven." 'cause we all know i could really use forgiveness.

i'm really needing God right now. i'm desperate to find Him everywhere and i think this intentional thinking has been good for my soul. it is so easy to mark things off as coincidence or luck, but God has a hand in these things and sometimes i just need a reminder.

dear God,
thanks for your reminders, even if they do come in the form of eerie fog.
love, me

who are you?

What is is it that you stand for? What is something you are passionate about? Do you have a strong opinion about something that you just won't change?

I hope the answer is "yes" to at least one of those questions. While it may be unhealthy to take any of these situations to the extreme, I believe it is an important part of life.

I stand for adoption. I love it. I have three cousins that are adopted and I love each of them for their quirky personality and their differences. I couldn't imagine my life without them as a part of my family. While I understand adoption is something that isn't right for everyone, I believe that God has a heart for the orphan and I feel that I will most likely adopt.

Six years ago, I came up with the perfect idea to start a orphanage run by myself and cousins. I was going to be the teacher, one cousin was going to design the building, another be the nurse, a third be the social worker, so on and so forth. It all works so well with all our callings and I love that. It is a dream that I hope one day can be fulfilled.

In the meantime though, I feel strongly about having a definite opinion. The past year I have really struggled with trying to pin down what it is that sets me off about one of my friends. Love the person to pieces, but there has just been something that has been driving me batty. And today, it hit me...

They appear to be so uneducated/inexperienced with so many life issues that they believe anything that is presented to them. When we have conversations, I feel as though I am being fed exactly what they think I want to hear. I can not recall a single serious conversation I have ever had with them. It's all trivial about what was read on the internet or heard on MTV. I've never heard them talk about a class they like or anything that they feel strongly about.

To a degree, I'm sad. I want them to have that passion in life. That one thing that they strive to achieve. I want them to experience the love for a class or a calling that I do. Who knows, maybe they do and they just don't know how to express it. I understand that what I desire isn't what everyone else desires. If everyone in the world became a Special Ed teacher with a heart for the orphan, well, there wouldn't be a need for a Special Ed teacher. There would be no orphans. I understand that we are all different.

But, please, have an opinion. Be passionate about something. Get comfortable in your own skin and let me learn a little something about you. Just you. Plain old you. Not the you that you want me to think you are. I don't like that person.